Happy April Fools Day! The 2022 NFL Draft kicks off today… yeah, we wish. However, we are just under four weeks away from the first round. Until then, we read every mock draft possible to get our draft fix. However, it would be nice to read a mock draft and not get triggered over our favorite team’s selection. In the spirit of April Fools Day, I have put together a different kind of mock draft. So, kick back, relax, and remember, I absolutely f***ing hate your favorite team. Also, be sure to read over last year’s edition of my April Fools Mock Draft to see how many picks I got right.
Editor’s Note: In case it wasn’t clear, this is NOT a real mock draft. However, you’ve already clicked on the link, so you might as well read over the picks. If you are no fun and prefer a real mock draft, be sure to check out our team based seven-round mock drafts instead.
1) Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Fields, QB, Chicago Bears
Let’s face it, last year was rock bottom in Jacksonville. Between the Urban Meyer nightmare, the losing, and the mascot memes, things have to go up from here, right? WRONG! New head coach Doug Pederson decides Trevor Lawrence isn’t the guy and instead heads to Chicago to steal Fields. If you read last year’s edition of this mock draft, you will see Meyer made one good decision before getting himself fired.
2) Detroit Lions – Malik Willis, QB, Liberty
If you think the Lions are really going to pass on Willis for some edge rusher from Michigan, you’re crazier than Jaguar fans. Instead, the Lions realized they made a massive mistake last year, passing on Fields for Penei Sewell, and fix it this year. However, in his excitement for the pick, head coach Dan Campbell bit off Willis’ kneecaps, making him too short to play quarterback. At only 4’11”, Willis will compete for snaps at running back with D’Andre Swift.
3) Houston Texans – Kenny Pickett, QB, Pittsburgh
Yes, Davis Mills played well at times last season and earned the starting role for 2022. However, when asked about drafting Pickett despite Mills’ success last season, new head coach Lovie Smith said, “I’m sorry, who?” After being was told who Mills was, Smith replied, “Oh yes, yes, yes, the ball boy. He’s a nice fella, but have you seen the size of Kenny’s hands? HUGE, I tell ya, HUGE!” Mills has asked for a trade, while Smith is wearing a brand new straitjacket.
4) New York Jets – Tyreek Hill, WR, Miami Dolphins
So Hill has no idea who the Jets are, apparently. He claims he always wanted to go to Miami. Well, too f***cking bad, buddy! The Jets use their first of two top-10 picks to force Hill to New York. The Dolphins have filed a complaint with the league office. However, after learning Hill would cost $120 million over the next four years, the Jets quickly returned the cheetah to Miami unharmed, minus the 20 minutes that seemed like a lifetime in New York traffic.
5) New York Giants – Daniel Jones, QB, Duke
All offseason long, the Giants have stated they are 100 percent behind Jones. However, they tried to sign Mitchell Trubisky in free agency. They instead settled for Tyrod Taylor. More importantly, they haven’t picked up the fifth-year option on Jones’ contract for next season. After getting hounded by the media on their non-commitment to Jones, the Giants prove everyone wrong and re-select him with their first pick. Unfortunately, that means his contract starts all over again. Thus, locking him in as the Giants’ starting quarterback till at least 2025. Thoughts and prayers are with the Giants’ fan base.
6) Carolina Panthers – Deshaun Watson, QB, Cleveland Browns
Last year the Panthers missed out on Matthew Stafford. After that, they turned their attention to Watson for over the past year. To no one’s surprise, Watson took one look at their team and ran the other way. Let’s think about it for a second. How bad must you be for a top-five quarterback to pick the dumpster fire Browns over you? To make things worse, the Panthers signed D.J. Moore to a long-term deal, killing his fantasy value for everything. Thanks a lot Scott Fitterer.
7) New York Giants (via Chicago) – Aidan Hutchinson, EDGE, Michigan
What?! A pick that makes sense? Yes, but keep in mind this is an April Fools mock draft. So, April Fools Big Blue, your team actually made a good pick for once. Enjoy your awful quarterback for the next several years.
8) Atlanta Falcons – Calvin Ridley, WR, Betting Disaster University
Just 11 months ago, the Falcons had an impressive offense. Matt Ryan was under center with Ridley, Julio Jones, and Russell Gage at wide receiver to go along with the super flashy new tight end Kyle Pitts. In less than a year, Pitts is the only one left. While the Falcons can’t trade back for Ryan or re-sign Jones, they can do something with Ridley. By drafting Ridley over again, the Falcons have lifted his year-long suspension. However, Roger Goodell put an end to that idea quickly. He called the move “a cheap attempt at circumventing the rules.” He then issued the Falcons a $1,500 fine and locked Ridley up in the same sponge room as coach Smith.
9) Seattle Seahawks (via Denver) – Breece Hall, RB, Iowa State
Even after trading away the best quarterback in franchise history, the Seahawks stick to their old pathetic ways. They decide to take a page out of the Las Vegas Raiders playbook and say, “To hell with an offensive line! We want a new shiny running back!” When asked by the media what will happen to Chris Carson and Rashaad Penny now that the team drafted Hall, general manager John Schneider said, “no comment.” Meanwhile, D.K. Metcalf and Pete Carroll are taking off their shirts to celebrate Drew Lock as their starting quarterback for next season.
10) New York Jets (via Seattle) – Bo Callahan, QB, Wisconsin
Yes, the Jets did use the No. 2 pick in the draft last year on Zach Wilson, but let’s be realistic here. If Mike White can make Michael Carter a fantasy superstar, why shouldn’t he start over Wilson? Instead, the Jets use the last first-round pick they got from the Seahawks in the Jamal Adams trade on the best quarterback prospect to come out of Wisconsin since Russell Wilson. Callahan may have slid this far because none of his teammates wanted to go to his birthday party, but the guy is an elite prospect. That is until the Jets ruin him in three years like they always do with quarterbacks.
11) Washington Commanders – An Owner Who Isn’t a Complete Dick!
If you didn’t see this one coming, I’m not sure what to tell you. Yes, this is the same stupid joke I used last year but has Dan Snyder changed? While the team is no longer “The Football Team” (thank God for that), are the Commanders much better? At this point, we can all agree it’s time for Snyder’s private jet to run out of gas over the Atlantic Ocean. Burn in hell, a**hole! I promise I’ll have a better joke next year, assuming Snyder survives the fall.
12) Minnesota Vikings – More Guaranteed Money for Kirk Cousins
Have you ever had the reoccurring nightmare that no matter how much you tell yourself it’s not real, it just feels so damn real? Well, that’s the case for Viking fans with Cousins’ contract. Except, this sh*t is as real as it gets. Most of America lives paycheck to paycheck, but not Cousins. He has earned a fully guaranteed $193.9 million over the past eight years. No wonder he hasn’t played great. Would you bust your ass when you can’t get fired? Yet, the Vikings will probably give Cousins another $40 million guaranteed next year because why the f*ck not?
13) Houston Texans (via Cleveland) – Matt Corral, QB, Ole Miss
With the first of the 100 picks the Texans got for Watson, they decide to draft his replacement. No word yet if Mills has been traded, but Pickett has joined him in demanding a trade. With coach Smith locked up in a sponge room, the media had to ask their questions over Zoom. In between tranquilizers shots, Smith was able to say, “Kenny? Who is that? The guy from South Park?” Thankfully, the Texans have no more picks in the first round.
14) Baltimore Ravens – A Lawsuit Against the Browns
When the Browns gave Watson $230 million guaranteed, it reset the market for quarterbacks. The Ravens have been working towards a long-term deal with Lamar Jackson for the past several months. However, with Jackson representing himself, things haven’t moved very quickly. Now that the Browns foolishly guaranteed $230 million to a guy who hasn’t played in a year, the Ravens are screwed. Jackson has already gone on record with a Tweet of the Jerry Maguire yelling “Show Me The Money!” gif. Rumor has it the Texans are interested in trading for Jackson. Lord help us! Keep the Texans out of the rest of this mock draft.
15) Philadelphia Eagles (via Miami) – Tyreek Hill, WR, Miami Dolphins
Wow, Tyreek is a popular player in this mock draft. This first-round pick came to the Eagles as part of the Jaylen Waddle trade from last year. The Eagles finally got a first-round pick right, selecting DeVonta Smith. However, the Eagles still need wide receiver help. Little did the Dolphins know, there was some very tiny fine print in the deal when they made the trade last year. It states the Eagles can send back this pick to the Dolphins in exchange for their top wide receiver. Welcome to the city of brotherly love Tyreek!
16) Philadelphia Eagles (via Indianapolis) – Carson Wentz, QB, Washington Commanders
Publicly the Eagles have been behind Jalen Hurts all offseason long. However, they miss Wentz behind the scenes. Hurts can run and played a role in the Eagles making the playoffs last season, but Wentz provides such entertainment. The beautiful throw on one play and then the “WHAT THE FLYING F*CK ARE YOU DOING CARSON?!” on the next. The Commanders burned their pick on killing the owner (can you blame them?), so they gladly give up Wentz for a new first-round pick.
17) Los Angeles Chargers – Garrett Wilson, WR, Ohio State
While the Chargers recently invested $60 million in Mike Williams, Justin Herbert doesn’t have enough weapons. Yes, Keenan Allen is coming off his fifth straight season with at least 97 receptions. Yes, Williams is coming off a career year, and yes, the Chargers did use a third-round pick on Josh Palmer last year. However, that isn’t enough for Herbert. Meanwhile, the right side of the offensive line will likely get Herbert killed 10 minutes into Week 1. Maybe Wilson can play right tackle?
18) New Orleans Saints – Endless Crab Legs
After spending last year starting four different quarterbacks, the Saints went after Watson. Instead, he chose the bag of money waiting for him in Cleveland. Rather than going back to Taysom Hill, the Saints re-signed Jameis Winston to a two-year deal. While not reported, the Saints agreed to give Winston a lifetime supply of crab legs. Since the Saints don’t have any cap space to pay for them, they must steal, I mean, draft them instead.
19) Philadelphia Eagles – Justin Jefferson, WR, Minnesota Vikings
If you’re an Eagles fan, stop reading now and don’t leave an angry comment. Remember, this is a joke, do not slap me. I am NOT Chris Rock! Now that we got that out of the way, do you remember when the Eagles stupidly passed on Jefferson to take Jalen Reagor? Well, the Eagles want a redo. After the Eagles picked Jefferson, the Vikings threatened Aaron Rodgers’ life. The NFL decided that Rodgers was more important than the Eagles and reversed the pick. When the media asked to speak to general manager Howie Roseman about the pick, his office said he was unavailable. Rumor has it he’s on Snyder’s private jet in the middle of the Atlantic.
20) Pittsburgh Steelers – Kenny Pickett, QB, Pittsburgh
The Steelers reportedly love Willis. However, after his kneecaps were bitten off, his NFL future is likely a short one (crappy pun totally intended). Instead, they turn their attention to the guy they’ve shared a building with for the past several years because we know that means absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, the Texans already took Pickett in this mock draft. However, after several seconds of negotiations, the Texans agree to trade Pickett to the Steelers in exchange for Brian Flores.
21) New England Patriots – Travon Walker, EDGE, Georgia
Through all the chaos and craziness, the Patriots watch Walker fall right into their laps at pick 21. Will this happen in the real draft? Of course not, but remember what Bill Belichick once famously said, “NO DAYS OFF!” Something tells me he doesn’t have time for jokes. More importantly, who knew Belichick turned into a dog on draft day? That’s some weird sh*t!
22) Green Bay Packers (via Las Vegas) – Sam Howell, QB, UNC
Who gives a flying f*ck that Aaron Rodgers is coming off back-to-back MVP seasons. Furthermore, who cares that the Packers currently have the worst wide receiver core in the NFL. It’s time to add another quarterback. I mean, think about it. Since the Packers used a first-round pick on Jordan Love, Rodgers has won 26 games, thrown 85 touchdowns, and won two MVP awards. However, have the Packers won the Super Bowl? No. Have they made the Super Bowl? No. Did they make the NFC Championship game last year? No. So why is Rodgers worth $50 million a year? Howell is the future!
23) Arizona Cardinals – Britain Covey, WR, Utah
The Jaguars gave Christian Kirk a four-year deal worth $84 million. That makes him the fourth-highest paid wide receiver in the NFL, ahead of superstars like Cooper Kupp and Chris Godwin. No, that’s not a joke, it’s the Jaguars. Well… actually… the Jaguars are a joke, so… yeah. Anyways, the Cardinals would be wise to target a big wide receiver like Drake London or Christian Watson to replace Kirk. However, that might hurt Kyler Murray’s feelings, resulting in him deleting all his Instagram posts again. Since Murray is the shortest quarterback in the NFL, the Cardinals can’t risk picking a tall wide receiver. Instead, they draft the only one who is shorter than Murray. At least Covey can provide help in the return game.
24) Dallas Cowboys – A Professional Time Manager
It may seem like forever ago, but the Cowboys lost in the Wild Card round against the San Francisco 49ers after Dak Prescott took off and ran with 14 seconds left in the game. The Cowboys were out of timeouts and unable to get another snap off after the ref bumped into Prescott. While the error was accidental, owner Jerry Jones is filing a lawsuit against the NFL over what happened. As a result, Goodell is giving the Cowboys the double bird and forcing them to select a professional time manager with their pick. What does a professional time manager do? Probably nothing you couldn’t pay a high school kid $10 an hour to do.
25) Buffalo Bills – A Big Ass Bag of Money
The Bills have a need at wide receiver. Stefon Diggs is a superstar, while Gabriel Davis is a prime year three breakout candidate. However, the depth behind him is very thin. While there are plenty of good wide receiver prospects still available, the Bills need to address something more important first. After seeing what Davante Adams, Hill, and Kirk (f*cking idiots) got paid this offseason, Diggs will demand a new deal soon enough. Instead of drafting a possible replacement for Diggs, the Bills are using this pick to ask #BillsMafia to raise money so they can keep Diggs. Rumor has it Josh Allen will donate $100,000 for every broken table in Buffalo.
26) Tennessee Titans – Najee Harris, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers
As great as Derrick Henry was for the Titans, he is no longer an elite running back. He is built like a tank, but tanks don’t get hurt. Henry missed nine games last year with a foot injury. The Titans should have known this fake tank would fall apart eventually and drafted Harris last year before the Steelers could. However, it’s never too late in the NFL, so the Titans grab their next Alabama running back with this pick. The NFL is investigating the situation. Meanwhile, Mike Tomlin threatened to put Antonio Brown on the next flight to Nashville unless the Titans returned Harris unharmed.
27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Rich Eisen, Host, Michigan
When Tom Brady announced his retirement, we all thought that was the end of the GOAT. However, just 40 days later, Brady came back. While he didn’t go on NFL Network and scream, “you got punked b*tch!” into the camera, fans are happy Brady will play for the Buccaneers in 2022. However, the Buccaneers have to prepare for life after Brady. Kyle Trask (or Trash depending on how you feel about him) isn’t the long-term replacement. Since Brady went to Michigan, it’s only fitting that the Buccaneers find a Michigan man to replace him at quarterback. While he isn’t exactly the ideal replacement for Brady, Eisen has run more 40-yard dashes in his career than Brady.
28) Green Bay Packers – Jordan Love, Converted WR, Green Bay Packers
After using the first of their two first-round picks on a quarterback, the Packers decide to use this pick on converting Love to wide receiver. Since the last pick, Rodgers has b*tched and complained about the lack of help at wide receiver. The Packers gave in to his crying and made Love their new No. 1 weapon in the passing game. Yes, I know what you’re thinking… why do the Packers need to use a pick to convert Love into a wide receiver? If THAT’S really your concern with this pick, stop reading and seek help immediately.
29) Kansas City Chiefs (via Miami, San Francisco) – A Switch to the NFC East
Last year the Chiefs won the AFC West by two games despite some rocky moments during the season. The Chargers were a choke job, the Raiders had no weapons, and the Broncos had a teddy bear as their quarterback. However, the AFC West has turned into the wild west. After the Chargers traded for Khalil Mack, the Broncos added Wilson, the Raiders traded for Adams, the Chiefs traded away Hill for multiple draft picks. Yet, the Chiefs could easily still win 10 games. Instead of fighting it out in the AFC West, the Chiefs are sacrificing this pick to move to the NFC East. Why? The Eagles traded for their old quarterbacks, the Commanders killed their owner, the Cowboys can count, and the Giants are well… LOL.
30) Kansas City Chiefs – A Replacement Family for Patrick Mahomes
Mahomes may have a contract worth half a billion dollars, but you got to feel bad for him after the Chiefs traded away Hill. His new No. 1 wide receiver, JuJu Smith-Schuster, will likely spend more time with Jackson Mahomes on TikTok than in the film room with Patrick. Furthermore, his wife is as much a pain in the ass as his brother. Between showering fans in champagne and then claiming to be the victim on social media, money is the only reason why Patrick isn’t in the sponge room with Ridley and coach Smith.
31) Cincinnati Bengals – The DeLorean from Back to the Future
If you’ve never seen the movie Back to the Future, what are you doing with your life? Yes, the movie was made long before most of you were born but for f*ck sake, go watch it. For those of you who’ve never seen it, there is a DeLorean (it’s a car) that travels through time. The Bengals need to borrow it and travel back to February 13, 2022. They need to go back in time and tell Quinton Spain to block better than a folding chair against Aaron Donald on their final offensive play of the game. Had he done a slightly better job blocking, Joe Burrow would have seen Ja’Marr Chase open downfield for the game-winning touchdown. The important lesson in the movie? Jalen Ramsey is overrated.
32) Detroit Lions (via Los Angeles) – Malik Willis’ Kneecaps
Finally, we’ve made it to the last pick in the mock draft. Are you still with me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Honestly, can’t say I blame you. I would have stopped reading after the awful first pick. However, we can’t finish the first round with only 31 picks, not unless the Patriots got caught cheating again. Who would have guessed Stafford was so good once he got away from a dumpster fire organization. Anyways, the Lions took Willis with the second pick, but his kneecaps were bitten off by Campbell. To close out the round, the Lions get prosthetic kneecaps for Willis. The NFL is looking into the matter to determine if it’s allowed or not. Either way, Willis is f*cked in Detroit.
Top-Five Available Heading into Day Two
- Kyle Hamilton, SAF, Notre Dame
- Vontae Mack, LB, Ohio State
- Evan Neal, OT, Alabama
- Arch Manning, QB, Future Texas Longhorn
- Ahmad Gardner, CB, Cincinnati
Needless to say, there is plenty of elite talent left on the board heading into the second round.
Follow Mike Fanelli on Twitter @Mike_NFL2
Main Image Credit: Embed from Getty Images