2021 NFL Mock Draft: April Fools Edition

2021 NFL Mock Draft: April Fools Edition

by April 1, 2021 0 comments

Happy April Fools Day! The 2021 NFL Draft kicks off today… yeah, we wish. However, we are only four weeks away from the first round. Until then, we read every mock draft possible to get our draft fix. However, it would be nice to read a mock draft and not get triggered over our favorite team’s selection. In the spirit of April Fools Day, I have put together a different kind of mock draft. So, kick back, relax, and remember, I absolutely f***ing hate your favorite team.

Editor’s Note: In case it wasn’t clear, this is NOT a real mock draft. However, you’ve already clicked on the link, so you might as well read over the picks.

1) Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Fields, QB, Ohio State

Did you all think Urban Meyers would really take his first pro job and not come in with a splash? Despite all the clear signals saying Trevor Lawrence will be the pick, Meyers takes the player he recruited and shocks the world. Meyer celebrates the pick by running to the NFL Network and screaming, “you got punked b*tch!

Update: 30 min after making the pick, Meyer announces his retirement in a half-ass press conference, blaming the stress of the job and his health for the sudden decision.

2) New York Jets – Zach Wilson, QB, BYU

The Jaguars hand the Jets Lawrence, and what does Joe Douglas do? PASS! In the spirit of not taking an easy win (or losing all their games to get Lawrence in the f*cking first place), the Jets take the quarterback they would take all along. Meanwhile, Lawrence starts to wonder, “Is this how Bo Callahan felt like in the movie Draft Day?”

3) San Francisco 49ers (via Miami, Houston) – Najee Harris, RB, Alabama

After giving up three first-round picks and more, the 49ers are adding a difference-maker. Did you think it was going to be a quarterback? Kyle Shanahan had different plans. One, he loves to run the ball and frankly is tired of using no-name running backs. Two, he wants to play quarterback, so instead of drafting one, he’s benching Jimmy Garoppolo and getting under center himself.

4) Atlanta Falcons – Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU

No way the Falcons take Callahan; I mean Lawrence, after everyone has passed on him. He’s clearly hyped up by the media and didn’t accomplish anything at Wisconsin; I mean Clemson. However, the Falcons need help at wide receiver. Calvin Ridley is a decent player but not super tall. Meanwhile, Julio Jones is a massive drama queen.

5) Cincinnati Bengals – Travis Etienne, RB, Clemson

The Bengals are taking a page out of the Jon Gruden playbook and say, “To hell with an offensive line! I want a new shiny running back!” When asked about the decision, Zac Taylor said, “Yeah, I know we have Joe Mixon, but let’s face it, Etienne looked great in orange at Clemson, and we had to keep that color on him in the pros.” Meanwhile, Joe Burrow was placed on the suicide watch list.

6) Miami Dolphins (via Philadelphia) – Drew Brees, QB, San Diego Chargers

In 2006, the Dolphins didn’t sign Brees after some quack doctor said his shoulder was an issue. Instead, they signed Daunte Culpepper, and he couldn’t stay healthy. Whatever happened to that doctor? Probably the same doctor who gave Tyrod Taylor a punctured lung. Unfortunately, the Dolphins should have selected a time machine instead, as Brees was selected by NBC before the draft began.

7) Detroit Lions – Jared Goff, QB, Detroit Lions

When the Lions traded Matthew Stafford to the Los Angeles Rams, they claim that they wanted Goff in the deal and that he wasn’t thrown in for salary cap reasons. I call bullsh*t! If the Lions want to prove they like Goff, they need to use their first-round pick on him.

8) Carolina Panthers – Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson

While the Lions took the full 10 minutes to select Goff, the Panthers owner fired the current general manager and hired Kevin Costner to play as Sonny Weaver Jr. Instead of passing on Callahan, he selects him; I mean Lawrence. Unfortunately for Panther fans, Teddy Bridgewater doesn’t want to be traded. Instead, he beats out the punk rookie for the starting job till his weak knees cost him the season in Week 7.

9) Denver Broncos – DeVonta Smith, WR, LSU

John Elway is the most hated man in Denver because he hasn’t picked a good quarterback since Peyton Manning retired. However, that’s not his fault. Drew Lock doesn’t have enough weapons! Yes, they have Courtland Sutton, Jerry Jeudy, KJ Hamler, Tim Patrick, Noah Fant, and more. However, let’s not joke around here, that’s not nearly enough. Just ask the Houston Texans.

10) Dallas Cowboys – Feleipe Franks, QB, Arkansas

Yes, the Cowboys did just sign Dak Prescott to a massive extension. Yes, Jerry Jones is of sound mind when making this selection. No, he doesn’t give a f*ck what you think. After making the pick, Jones said, “Dak who? I’m the star of this team, and that Franks kid is damn good, you see where he went to school? That’s right, my Alma mater.” Prescott has demanded a trade to a team with a sane owner.

11) New York Giants – Penei Sewell, OT, Oregon

What?! A pick that makes sense? Yes, but keep in mind this is an April Fools mock draft. So, April Fools Big Blue, your team actually made a good pick for once.

12) Philadelphia Eagles (via Miami, San Francisco) – Carson Wentz, QB, Indianapolis Colts

Reportedly, the Eagles wanted Wilson, but when they realized the Jets weren’t stupid anymore, they gave up and traded back instead. However, they now realize Jalen Hurts isn’t a franchise quarterback and regret giving up on Wentz. So to make things right, they offer the Colts multiple first-round picks to get Wentz back. While the Colts accepted the trade, Wentz is on the phone with Prince Harry, begging him to go in his stead.

13) Los Angeles Chargers – Trey Lance, QB. North Dakota State

While Justin Herbert won the Offensive Rookie of the Year award last year, the Chargers no longer think he is special. When asked, new head coach Brandon Staley said, “It’s like when you buy a new car, the second you drive it off the lot, the value takes a hit. Now our quarterback value is top-notch.” When asked to explain what will happen when Lance plays in his first career game, Staley responded, “Uhh… no comment.”

14) Minnesota Vikings – Terrace Marshall Jr., WR, LSU

The Vikings had success taking an LSU wide receiver last year in Justin Jefferson, so they figure why not do it again. When asked about the decision to pick Marshall over an offensive tackle or help on defense, Mike Zimmer said, “we asked Kirk Cousins who he wanted us to pick, and then did the exact opposite as we don’t trust him in critical situations.”

15) New England Patriots – Tom Brady, QB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

After watching Brady win the Super Bowl in Tampa Bay last season, Bill Belichick begged him to come back to New England. When Brady told him he couldn’t, as he was under contract with Tampa Bay, Belichick kidnapped Brady. The league is investigating the Patriots for cheating, which isn’t surprising.

16) Arizona Cardinals – Chad Johnson, WR, Cincinnati Bengals

When the Cardinals signed A.J. Green in free agency, many thought they wasted money as Green. However, Kliff Kingsbury enjoyed the move so much, he decided to add another past his prime Bengal wide receiver. No word yet on what Chad will put on the back of his jersey, but early reports believe it will be Siempre Abierto.

17) Las Vegas Raiders – Javonte Williams, RB, UNC

Even after adding Kenyan Drake to go with Josh Jacobs, the Raiders aren’t satisfied at running back. Reports are they will use Drake as a wide receiver, and when asked what position Williams will play, Gruden responded, “Not sure yet, maybe running back.” When asked about Jacobs, Gruden said, “Possibly right tackle. I’m not too worried about it, not like they can fire me.” Owner Mark Davis was caught on camera drinking and not available for comment.

18) Miami Dolphins – Justin Herbert, QB, Los Angeles Chargers

After screwing up the Brees pick earlier in the draft, the Dolphins finally get their franchise quarterback. When the Dolphins selected Tua Tagovailoa last year, Herbert was still on the board. However, they fix that with this pick. The only problem is the Chargers threaten to cut off the state of Florida like the Bugs Bunny meme, so the league took the pick away from the Dolphins.

19) Washington Football Team – An Owner Who Isn’t a Complete Dick!

If you didn’t see this one coming, I’m not sure what to tell you. The only thing the Washington fan base wants more than a decision on the f*cking name is Dan Snyder in his private jet over the Atlantic Ocean with no gas left in the tank. Burn in hell a**hole!

20) Chicago Bears – Super Bowl 52 Nick Foles

With their jobs on the line, Matt Nagy and Ryan Pace create a time machine to go back in time and grab Big Dick Nick from the Super Bowl. However, no one told them the machine was one way only, so now they are stuck watching the Eagles win Super Bowl over and over again. As if any Eagle fan would let you forget about it in the first place.

21) Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford

After trading Wentz back to the Eagles (no word on the switch with Prince Harry), the Colts force Luck to come out of retirement by selecting him with this pick. When asked if he would show up to camp, Luck asked, “Is Anthony Castonzo still on the team?” When told that Castonzo retired earlier in the offseason, Luck hung up the phone. No word on if the Colts are trying to recruit Philip Rivers or one of his 10,000 kids to play quarterback next season instead.

22) Tennessee Titans – Najee Harris, RB, AlabDamien Harris, RB, New England Patriots

The Titans wanted to select Najee with this pick; however, when told he was selected by the 49ers earlier in the draft, they picked another former Alabama back named Harris. When asked if the Titans could draft Harris, Belichick said, “Who? I got so many damn running backs. I can’t keep track of them.” The league is too busy looking into the Brady kidnapping to notice the pick.

23) New York Jets (via Seattle) – Mac Jones, QB, Alabama

With the announcement of this pick, New York City experiences a 9.4 magnitude earthquake due to the Jet fans’ reaction to the selection. When asked about the decision to select Jones after picking Wilson earlier in the draft, new head coach Robert Saleh said, “Did you see Sam Darnold play last year? The hell I’m not leaving this draft with at least three quarterbacks. When do we pick again?” No confirmation on reports that Saleh was fired and sent to Bellevue hospital for evaluation.

24) Pittsburgh Steelers – Jaylen Waddle, WR, Alabama

Last season, Ben Roethlisberger showed plenty of signs of slowing down. However, the Steelers are in denial like Elway and blame the lack of wide receiver help. When asked about the four talented wide receivers on the roster, Mike Tomlin said, “Who?” After being told they have JuJu Smith-Schuster, Diontae Johnson, Chase Claypool, and James Washington on the roster, Tomlin said, “F*ck them. None of them can catch anyways.”

25) Jacksonville Jaguars (via Los Angeles) – Jim Harbaugh, HC, Michigan

When Meyer retired after the first pick, it left the Jaguars without a head coach. So, they decided to go back to college football and select his former rival, Harbaugh. No word yet about Harbaugh’s opinion of Wilson as he can’t decide which pair of Khakis to put on for the introductory press conference.

26) Cleveland Browns – Vontae Mack, LB, Ohio State

Did you see what Weaver did as the general manager of the Browns? He traded all the way up to the first pick and selected Mack. #MackNoMatterWhat. However, this time around, he wises up and stays where he’s at and selects Mack. Reports are the Browns tried to rip off the Jaguars for their pick to select Ray Jennings.

27) Baltimore Ravens – Jamie Newman, QB, Wake Forest

Yes, Lamar Jackson is really good, but his rookie contract is almost up, and who wants to pay a running back, I mean quarterback, $40 million a year. Instead, the Ravens select Newman to give them a new shiny running back, I mean quarterback for cheap. After the selection, Jackson demanded a trade. Baltimore sent him to Houston, and Jackson is now begging to stay with the Ravens or sent to the CFL.

28) New Orleans Saints – Sam Ehlinger, QB, Texas

Now that Brees is enjoying working for NBC, the Saints have a hole at quarterback. Jameis Winston has a history of either being color blind or shaving points. Meanwhile, Taysom Hill was the starter when Brees missed time last year. However, as much as Sean Payton loves Hill, he just signed a massive extension, and the Saints have no idea how the salary cap works. So, Payton decides to draft the new Hill in Ehlinger with his first-round pick just in case the Packers want to select a quarterback with the next pick.

29) Green Bay Packers – Jordan Love, QB, Utah State

Who gives a f*ck that Aaron Rodgers is coming off an MVP season and had the Packers within one play of the Super Bowl; he’s an old fart. Love is the future of the franchise. Even though he couldn’t beat out Tim Boyle for the No. 2 quarterback role last season, the Packers double down and take Love again with their first-round pick this year. Reports are Rodgers plans to throw 60 touchdowns in 2021 just to stick it to Love and the Packers.

30) Buffalo Bills – Deshaun Watson, QB, Houston Texans

The Texans have had enough with the Watson sh*t. Between the drama and legal troubles, the Texans teach him a lesson and trade Watson to Buffalo to be Josh Allen’s backup. However, little does Watson know, the plane he took to Buffalo made a detour and dropped him off at Rikers Island. The Bills will see Watson in about 10-15.

31) Kansas City Chiefs – Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida

Surprisingly, in all the commotion, Pitts slid all the way down to the end of the first round. Even though the Chiefs have Travis Kelce, Tyreek Hill, Mecole Hardman, Demarcus Robinson, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and more, Patrick Mahomes doesn’t have enough weapons. However, ending up in Kansas City really hurts Pitts’ fantasy value.

32) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

Anything the Patriots can do, the Buccaneers can do better. If Belichick can kidnap Brady, so can Bruce Arians. Once back in Tampa Bay, Brady was asked about the double kidnapping experience. However, he was too busy throwing Lombardi trophies from one boat to another to answer. No word on how triggered the lady who made the trophy is this time around.

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