Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 9 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. No team is unbeatable unless you are San Francisco. No team is bad enough to go winless … oh, sorry Cincinnati, you might be bad enough.
The playoff races are heating up!
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after nine weeks of action.
Bye weeks: Cincinnati Bengals, New Orleans Saints, Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Rams
Bengals: WE ARE WINNING THE TANK FOR TUA! We might choose Joe Burrow, though. Bungle for Burrow is quite catchy.
Saints: In a surprising twist of fate, we are still unstoppable.
Falcons: The Falcons have more punters than wins this season. 28-3 believers may continue their maniacal chuckling.
Rams: Cooper Kupp is our ticket to the Super Bowl!
49ers 28, Cardinals 25
49ers’ run game: There was a game today?
49ers’ defense: We did not get the memo.
Cardinals: Kyler Murray is fantastic!
Jimmy Garoppolo: Hold it right there. I am going to live up to my contract for once.
Texans 26, Jaguars 3
Texans: Deshaun Watson is ridiculous.
Jaguars: Minshew Mania!
Gardner Minshew: Wait.
Minshew: I am losing my powers.
Minshew: Oh no.
Nick Foles: Miss me yet?
Bills 24, Redskins 9
Bills: It was business as usual at the office. We have a stranglehold on the five seed, but we are only 1.5 games back of the Patriots.
Redskins: Chase Young would look handsome in burgundy and gold.
Chiefs 26, Vikings 23
Damien Williams: Wassup?
Adam Thielen: …
Chiefs: Well, we need Mahomes back, but Matt Moore has played pretty well.
Harrison Butker: Winner!
Dolphins 26, Jets 18
Did anyone legitimately watch this game? Why would anyone on the planet subject themselves to this game? Both of these teams are trash. The Dolphins lost their best player (Preston Williams) for the season, and the Jets had their talent taken away by ghosts.
Eagles 22, Bears 14
Eagles: Do not bother looking at the score. We decimated the Bears.
Bears: I find that offensive!
NFL Fans: We find your offense to be offensive.
Steelers 26, Colts 24
Minkah Fitzpatrick: HELLO WORLD.
Jacoby Brissett: Darn.
Brian Hoyer: Hello!
Adam Vinatieri: Goodbye!
Panthers 30, Titans 20
Christian McCaffrey fantasy owners: MCCAFFREY IS JESUS.
Cam Newton: Y’all really gonna keep Kyle Allen in?
Kyle Allen: Yes.
Panthers fans: Well, we are winning for once.
Titans: You are very welcome, Carolina.
Raiders 31, Lions 24
Raiders: Home, sweet home.
Lions: Wait, we have to win.
Logical people: Throw the ball to Marvin Jones or Kenny Golladay!
Lions: What is logic?
Seahawks 40, Buccaneers 34
Russell Wilson: Welcome to Seattle.
Buccaneers: Where is the rest of your team, Russell?
DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett: Hello there.
Buccaneers: Um, you are missing a bunch of dudes.
Wilson: We are? I guess they forgot to show up.
Buccaneers: Time for the upset!
Wilson: Yes, your fans will be upset.
Broncos 24, Browns 19
Baker Mayfield: I am going to shave.
Broncos: We are focused on winning.
Iowa football fans: NOAH FANT!
Mayfield: Did I say I was going to shave?
Broncos: Yes, not the only loss you are going to have today.
Odell Beckham: Throw me the dang ball, Baker.
Mayfield: Who are you?
Chargers 26, Packers 11
Chargers: Hey Packers.
Chargers: You can have about 80% of the seats in our stadium.
Packers: Alright, sounds good.
Chargers: We also have a terrible offensive line so your pass rushers can sack Philip Rivers.
Packers: No, that is okay, but thank you for the offer.
Chargers: We are missing our best defensive player still.
Packers: Nope, it is fine.
Melvin Gordon and Joey Bosa: Woohoo!
Ravens 37, Patriots 20
Ravens: Nice undefeated season, New England.
Ravens: It would be a shame if … ya know … someone beat you.
Patriots: What are you implying?
Cowboys 37, Giants 18
Giants: We are winning!
A black cat: LOL.
Cowboys: We won.