Splash’s Week 5 in Review

Boys and girls, this is not a drill.

Week 5 taught us quite a few goofy things. The Chiefs looked mortal. The Browns looked putrid. Christian McCaffrey is a deity. The Saints are phenomenal.

Here is one major headline for all 31 teams after four weeks of action. Miami, you still do not count.

Bye weeks: Detroit Lions & Miami Dolphins

Lions: When will someone take us seriously?

Dolphins: We might have three picks in the top 20.

Seahawks 30, Rams 29

Russell Wilson: I am the team.

Rams: Greg the Leg is the best kicker in the NFL.

Greg Zuerlein: *misses*

Panthers 34, Jaguars 27

Panthers: We subscribe to the Church of McCaffrey.

Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary.

Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary from slightly closer.

Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary from even closer.

The NFL record book: Christian McCaffrey is on pace to break the NFL record for yards from scrimmage in a season.

Cardinals 26, Bengals 23

Cardinals: Maybe we aren’t as bad as people say we are.

Bengals: Maybe we are as bad as people say we are.

Texans 53, Falcons 32

Falcons: Touchdown!

Will Fuller: Touchdown!

Falcons: Field goal!

Will Fuller: Touchdown!

Texans: Field goal!

Falcons: Touchdown!

Texans: Touchdown!

Texans: Field goal!

Falcons: Wait, please.

Texans: Touchdown!

Falcons: Okay, touchdown!

Texans: Touchdown!

Falcons: Touchdown!

Will Fuller: Here’s a third touchdown!

Texans: Pick six!

Fantasy football owners: Will Fuller scored how many points? Woah.

Saints 31, Buccaneers 24

Saints: Teddy Bridgewater is a perfect quarterback to stand in for Drew Brees.

Buccaneers: We had a chance to take the division lead.

Vikings 28, Giants 10

Vikings: Bullying is an effective way to get your quarterback to throw the ball to you. Adam Thielen thinks so, at least.

Giants: I guess Daniel Jones is not unbeatable.

Raiders 24, Bears 21

Raiders: We are over .500!

Bears: Can we please go back to the United States?

Eagles 31, Jets 6

Eagles: Sack #1

Eagles: Sack #2

Eagles: Sack #3

Eagles: Sack #4

Eagles: Sack #5

Eagles: Sack #6

Eagles: Sack #7

Eagles: Sack #8

Eagles: Sack #9

Eagles: Sack #10

Jets: Hey, we scored our second offensive touchdown of the season.

Fantasy owners: The Eagles scored how many points? Wow.

Ravens 26, Steelers 23

Ravens: Our defense is a mess, but at least we have the No. 1 offense in the NFL.

Steelers: We have the lead!

Justin Tucker: Nah, I am too good.

JuJu Smith-Schuster: I will never fumble again.

Marlon Humphrey: Wrong.

Tucker: We win!

Bills 14, Titans 7

Bills: Josh Allen wasn’t bad today.

Cairo Santos: Give me another chance.

Cairo Santos: Give me another chance.

Derrick Henry: Tie game!

Cairo Santos: Third time is the charm?

Josh Allen: Touchdown!

Cairo Santos: Welp, I missed four field goals.

Bills: Thank you, Cairo.

Patriots 33, Redskins 7

Patriots: Our defense is so good that this game hurt our points per game allowed statistic.

Redskins: Goodbye, Jay.

Coaching carousel: Welcome, Mr. Gruden.

Broncos 20, Chargers 13

Broncos: We finally got a win!

Desmond King: Hey, remember me?

Melvin Gordon: Hey, remember me?

Chargers: We need Derwin James to come back right now.

Packers 34, Cowboys 24

Aaron Jones: Hello.

Aaron Jones: It’s me.

Aaron Jones: I have scored three touchdowns.

Aaron Jones: Actually, four.

Cowboys: How much money did we want to pay Dak again?

Colts 19, Chiefs 13

Colts: Hey, that’s a nice offense you have, Kansas City.

Chiefs: Thank you, Indianapolis.

Colts: How about you only score 13 points?

Chiefs: In the second quarter?

Colts: No, only 13 points in the whole game.

Chiefs: No, that is a bad idea.

Colts: Look at the scoreboard.

Chiefs: Shoot.

49ers 31, Browns 3

Matt Breida: Touchdown!

Richard Sherman: Interception!

Breida: Touchdown!

49ers: Fumble!

Nick Bosa: Hey Baker, you forgot your flag.

Robbie Gould: *miss*

Browns: The comeback is on.

Antonio Callaway: What are hands?

Tevin Coleman: Touchdown!

Robbie Gould: *miss*

George Kittle: Touchdown!

Robbie Gould: *blocked*

Robbie Gould: Finally, I made a kick.

Baker Mayfield: I would have had a better passer rating if I just spiked the ball into the turf for four quarters.

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