Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 5 taught us quite a few goofy things. The Chiefs looked mortal. The Browns looked putrid. Christian McCaffrey is a deity. The Saints are phenomenal.
Here is one major headline for all 31 teams after four weeks of action. Miami, you still do not count.
Bye weeks: Detroit Lions & Miami Dolphins
Lions: When will someone take us seriously?
Dolphins: We might have three picks in the top 20.
Seahawks 30, Rams 29
Russell Wilson: I am the team.
Rams: Greg the Leg is the best kicker in the NFL.
Greg Zuerlein: *misses*
Panthers 34, Jaguars 27
Panthers: We subscribe to the Church of McCaffrey.
Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary.
Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary from slightly closer.
Jaguars: Let’s try a Hail Mary from even closer.
The NFL record book: Christian McCaffrey is on pace to break the NFL record for yards from scrimmage in a season.
Cardinals 26, Bengals 23
Cardinals: Maybe we aren’t as bad as people say we are.
Bengals: Maybe we are as bad as people say we are.
Texans 53, Falcons 32
Falcons: Touchdown!
Will Fuller: Touchdown!
Falcons: Field goal!
Will Fuller: Touchdown!
Texans: Field goal!
Falcons: Touchdown!
Texans: Touchdown!
Texans: Field goal!
Falcons: Wait, please.
Texans: Touchdown!
Falcons: Okay, touchdown!
Texans: Touchdown!
Falcons: Touchdown!
Will Fuller: Here’s a third touchdown!
Texans: Pick six!
Fantasy football owners: Will Fuller scored how many points? Woah.
Saints 31, Buccaneers 24
Saints: Teddy Bridgewater is a perfect quarterback to stand in for Drew Brees.
Buccaneers: We had a chance to take the division lead.
Vikings 28, Giants 10
Vikings: Bullying is an effective way to get your quarterback to throw the ball to you. Adam Thielen thinks so, at least.
Giants: I guess Daniel Jones is not unbeatable.
Raiders 24, Bears 21
Raiders: We are over .500!
Bears: Can we please go back to the United States?
Eagles 31, Jets 6
Eagles: Sack #1
Eagles: Sack #2
Eagles: Sack #3
Eagles: Sack #4
Eagles: Sack #5
Eagles: Sack #6
Eagles: Sack #7
Eagles: Sack #8
Eagles: Sack #9
Eagles: Sack #10
Jets: Hey, we scored our second offensive touchdown of the season.
Fantasy owners: The Eagles scored how many points? Wow.
Ravens 26, Steelers 23
Ravens: Our defense is a mess, but at least we have the No. 1 offense in the NFL.
Steelers: We have the lead!
Justin Tucker: Nah, I am too good.
JuJu Smith-Schuster: I will never fumble again.
Marlon Humphrey: Wrong.
Tucker: We win!
Bills 14, Titans 7
Bills: Josh Allen wasn’t bad today.
Cairo Santos: Give me another chance.
Cairo Santos: Give me another chance.
Derrick Henry: Tie game!
Cairo Santos: Third time is the charm?
Josh Allen: Touchdown!
Cairo Santos: Welp, I missed four field goals.
Bills: Thank you, Cairo.
Patriots 33, Redskins 7
Patriots: Our defense is so good that this game hurt our points per game allowed statistic.
Redskins: Goodbye, Jay.
Coaching carousel: Welcome, Mr. Gruden.
Broncos 20, Chargers 13
Broncos: We finally got a win!
Desmond King: Hey, remember me?
Melvin Gordon: Hey, remember me?
Chargers: We need Derwin James to come back right now.
Packers 34, Cowboys 24
Aaron Jones: Hello.
Aaron Jones: It’s me.
Aaron Jones: I have scored three touchdowns.
Aaron Jones: Actually, four.
Cowboys: How much money did we want to pay Dak again?
Colts 19, Chiefs 13
Colts: Hey, that’s a nice offense you have, Kansas City.
Chiefs: Thank you, Indianapolis.
Colts: How about you only score 13 points?
Chiefs: In the second quarter?
Colts: No, only 13 points in the whole game.
Chiefs: No, that is a bad idea.
Colts: Look at the scoreboard.
Chiefs: Shoot.
49ers 31, Browns 3
Matt Breida: Touchdown!
Richard Sherman: Interception!
Breida: Touchdown!
49ers: Fumble!
Nick Bosa: Hey Baker, you forgot your flag.
Robbie Gould: *miss*
Browns: The comeback is on.
Antonio Callaway: What are hands?
Tevin Coleman: Touchdown!
Robbie Gould: *miss*
George Kittle: Touchdown!
Robbie Gould: *blocked*
Robbie Gould: Finally, I made a kick.
Baker Mayfield: I would have had a better passer rating if I just spiked the ball into the turf for four quarters.
