Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 16 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Kirk Cousins still cannot win in prime time but playoff seeds were locked in for the Ravens, Bills, and Vikings.
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 16 weeks of action.
Texans 23, Buccaneers 20
The initial text for this section was intercepted due to Rich Eisen’s commentary.
Patriots 24, Bills 17
Bills: We can win the AFC East.
Bills: We just have to beat the Patriots.
Bills: They also have to lose to the Dolphins next week, but beating the Patriots needs to happen first.
Patriots: It won’t.
49ers 34, Rams 31
Rams: I fear no man.
Rams: But that thing…
The thing: 3rd-and-16 conversions with the playoffs at stake
Rams: It scares me.
Giants 41, Redskins 35 (F/OT)
Sterling Shepard: The Giants are on the board.
Steven Sims: We have tied the game.
Saquon Barkley: Hey, remember me?
Fantasy owners: SAQUON BARKLEY IS GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE FOR ME!
Hale Hentges: Touchdown, Redskins.
Barkley: I’m back.
Cody Latimer: We have a 14-point lead going into the half.
Sims: It is back to seven.
Kaden Smith: It is back to 14.
Adrian Peterson: I am old.
Case Keenum: We might be keeping Dwayne Haskins from getting hurt, but I can hurt our chances for Chase Young!
Smith: We won the game, but we lost our chance at Chase Young.
Saints 38, Titans 28
Titans: Whew! It is already 14-0.
Saints: We can just outscore you 38-14 the rest of the way and hurt your playoff chances.
Titans: Wait.
Michael Thomas: No.
Jets 16, Steelers 10
The text for this section was benched for Mason Rudolph.
Writer: Wait, Rudolph got hurt, so Hodges is back in?
Steelers: Yep.
Writer: That’s inconvenient. Whatever I write will be more offensive than Pittsburgh, so I cannot write much.
Dolphins 38, Bengals 35 (F/OT)
Viewers with 10 minutes to go: Well, Miami is up 23 with just a couple of minutes left. We can go do something else.
CJ Uzomah: Touchdown.
Tyler Boyd: Touchdown (and two-point conversion)
Time: *expires*
Tyler Eifert: Touchdown, anyway (and two-point conversion)
Jason Sanders: Nah, you can have Joe Burrow. Congratulations, Bengals fans, you successfully Bungled for Burrow.
Colts 38, Panthers 6
Nyheim Hines: How often do you see punt return touchdowns?
Panthers: Not too often.
Hines: How about two?
Panthers: That would be impressive.
Fantasy owners who started Indianapolis’s defense and special teams: How did the Colts get me 40 points?
Hines: You are welcome.
Will Grier: I helped too!
Kyle Allen: You guys thought I was bad.
Ravens 31, Browns 15
For the Browns to make the playoffs, they need wins by the Jets, Saints, and Colts in addition to a win over the Ravens.
Jets: You are welcome.
Saints: No problem, Cleveland.
Colts: It wasn’t too hard to beat the Panthers.
Ravens: *laughs diabolically*
Falcons 24, Jaguars 12
In the battle of southeastern supremacy, nothing happened.
Raiders 24, Chargers 17
For the Raiders to make the playoffs, they need wins by the Jets, Saints, and Colts in addition to a win over the Chargers. They also need the Browns to lose one of their last two games.
Jets: You are welcome.
Saints: No problem, Cleveland.
Colts: It wasn’t too hard to beat the Panthers.
Ravens: *laughs diabolically* Here is an early Christmas present, Oakland.
Raiders: After we mangled our last game in Oakland, let’s mangle the Chargers’ last game in Carson.
Broncos 27, Lions 17
Broncos: Hey, Drew Lock is 3-1 as a starter.
Lions: Hey, we haven’t won a game since October. David Blough and Jeff Driskel are winless in seven combined starts.
Cardinals 27, Seahawks 13
Kenyan Drake: I am the captain now.
Chandler Jones: I am the captain now.
Drake and Jones: We are the captains now.
Eagles 17, Cowboys 9
I gave Amari Cooper the original lines for this part, but he dropped them.
Chiefs 26, Bears 3
Patrick Mahomes: One.
Patrick Mahomes: Two
Patrick Mahomes: Three
Patrick Mahomes: Four
Patrick Mahomes: Five
Patrick Mahomes: Six
Patrick Mahomes: Seven
Patrick Mahomes: Eight
Patrick Mahomes: Nine
Mahomes: Trubisky sucks. How was he picked over me?
Packers 23, Vikings 10
Everyone: Hey, Mike Boone is going to have a great performance against the Packers.
Boone: Oops. I missed the memo.
Packers: Thank you for the easy division title.
Kirk Cousins: I hate Monday Night Football.
