Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 11 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. The Bengals are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Helmets should not be used as weapons. Comebacks are possible.
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 11 weeks of action.
Bye weeks: Tennessee Titans, New York Giants, Green Bay Packers, Seattle Seahawks
Titans: With a win over the Jaguars next week, we will be one game behind the winner of the Colts-Texans game!
Giants: Hopefully, this bye week will enable Saquon to gain more than a couple of inches per carry against the Bears.
Packers: The Aaron duo of Jones and Rodgers needed that rest. We are prepared for the final stretch.
Seahawks: Lamar Jackson did what? You can’t possibly think he is MVP over Russ, can you?
Browns 21, Steelers 7
Browns: Good game, Steelers.
Steelers: Good game, Browns.
Mason Rudolph: *visible confusion*
Myles Garrett: Good game, Mason.
The NFL: Myles, the game is football, not Whack-A-Mason.
Garrett: I was helping him put his helmet back on, Mr. Goodell.
The NFL: We are going to help you plan your holiday season. You are suspended for the rest of the year.
Cowboys 35, Lions 27
Dak Prescott: Step aside, peasants. I am an elite quarterback.
Jeff Driskel: My side gig as an NFL quarterback is going reasonably well. When will you be back, Matt?
Matthew Stafford: Soon.
Stafford: Actually, it will be a few more weeks, sorry.
Colts 33, Jaguars 13
Marlon Mack: I am having a great da-
Colts’ fans: NO, MARLON, NO.
Jonathan Williams: I’m having an even better day!
Jaguars: Welcome back, Nick. Hopefully, we can contend in 2020.
D.J. Chark: I might be a top-five wide receiver in the league.
Bills 37, Dolphins 20
Josh Allen: It is time to be good at football because the Dolphins are on the schedule.
Jason Sanders: ONSIDE KICK!
Bills: Okay.
Jakeem Grant: TOUCHDOWN!
Bills: Okay?
Jakeem Grant: Hey, I can score on offense as well.
John Brown: You can’t play defense, though.
Football fans: John Brown leads the AFC in receiving yards?
Vikings 27, Broncos 23
Vikings: Oops, we forgot to set our alarms to wake up for the kickoff.
Broncos: We are up 20!
Kirk Cousins: Oh, it is time for me to shine because it is 1:00 p.m.
Broncos: Oh, we lost another heartbreaker.
Saints 34, Buccaneers 17
Saints: We are back on track.
Michael Thomas: I am on track to smash the record for most receptions in a single-season.
Buccaneers: We are on track to be smashed by every offense that we play against.
Jets 34, Redskins 17
Unless you’re a Jets fan, you did not watch this game. With that said, Sam Darnold looked competent, and Dwayne Haskins asked his offensive line important questions.
Falcons 29, Panthers 3
Falcons: Whew. We are coming for a playoff position!
Real-life: The Falcons would need divine intervention to come anywhere close to a playoff spot.
Panthers: KYLE. ALLEN. SUCKS.
Ravens 41, Texans 7
The whole world: Marlon Humphrey interfered with DeAndre Hopkins.
The refs: What?
Bill O’Brien: The dude in purple practically assaulted my receiver.
The refs: You must be watching the wrong game.
Ravens: Oh, well, here is a 40-burger for your trouble.
49ers 36, Cardinals 26
49ers: WHAT A COMEBACK!
Cardinals: Shoot.
Bettors who had San Francisco -10: IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
Bettors who had Arizona +9.5: I am never watching football again.
Raiders 17, Bengals 10
Raiders: The Raiders are back, folks.
Bengals: JOE BURROW CAN COME HOME SOON!
Patriots 17, Eagles 10:
Julian Edelman: You guys remember when Trey Burton threw a touchdown in the Super Bowl?
Lane Johnson: Yes, we do.
Edelman: I’m going to do that today.
Eagles: Oh.
Bill Belichick: I hold grudges, Lane.
Rams 17, Bears 7
Rams: We don’t want to score.
Bears: What is offense?
Rams: I guess we can score some points.
Bears: I guess we can bench our quarterback.
Bears: Bench? He got injured, sorry.
Chiefs 24, Chargers 17
Patrick Mahomes: I can throw a ball 70 yards in Mexico!
Philip Rivers: Wanna see a magic trick?
Chiefs defense: Okay, sure.
Rivers: I am going to make a victory disappear.
Chiefs: Go on.
Rivers: One (interception).
Rivers: Two (interceptions).
Rivers: Three (interceptions).
Rivers: Four (interceptions).
Chiefs: Hmmm, the victory disappeared from your win column and appeared in ours. Thank you!
