Splash’s Power Rankings Through Week 16

While most power rankings will fluctuate wildly, these should stay reasonably similar on a week-to-week basis.

Number 32: Cincinnati Bengals (ELO: 1160, +0)

The Bengals are officially on the clock. You can start printing your Joe Burrow jerseys, Cincinnati.

Number 31: Detroit Lions (ELO: 11168, +0)

The Lions have not won since October.

Number 30: Carolina Panthers (ELO: 1217, -2)

In a shocking turn of events, Will Grier is worse than Kyle Allen.

Number 29: Miami Dolphins (ELO: 1271, +1)

After winning one of the most entertaining games of the season, the Dolphins have somehow gotten to four wins on the season.

Number 28: Jacksonville Jaguars (ELO: 1276, -3)

The rotting carcass of an organization will be put out of its misery in a few hours.

Number 27: Washington Redskins (ELO: 1289, -1)

The winner of the Chase Young sweepstakes, Washington maintained their terrible record even while flashing a competent offense.

Number 26: New York Giants (ELO: 1291, +3)

Eli Manning’s impending retirement takes precedence over whatever the Giants are doing. Congratulations on a Hall of Fame career, Eli.

Number 25: Cleveland Browns (ELO: 1305, -2)

The Browns needed a comically long list of things to happen to make the playoffs. So far, everything has gone the Browns’ way except for the Browns themselves. In a week in which the entire NFL helped out the Browns, the Browns could not help themselves.

Number 24: Los Angeles Chargers (ELO: 1343, -4)

The Chargers were owned in their final game in Carson. They lost to the Raiders on the field and in the stands, a fitting farewell.

Number 23: Oakland Raiders (ELO: 1351, +4)

The Raiders have Brownsed their way into the playoff race after getting help from four other games (including the Browns’). With their win over the Chargers, the Raiders need just four more games to break their way. If the Colts, Ravens, and Texans win, the Raiders only have to knock off the Broncos to slip into the playoffs. There is a diabolical way that the Raiders miss the playoffs due to a strength of victory tiebreaker, but that would require a trove of games to go the way of the Steelers.

Number 22: Arizona Cardinals (ELO: 1398, +0)

The Fighting Kenyan Drakes discovered another victory as the Cardinals embarrassed the Seahawks in Seattle. Chandler Jones made a last-ditch effort for Defensive Player of the Year, but it likely came in vain.

Number 21: Pittsburgh Steelers (ELO: 1399, -4)

I cannot legally be more offensive than a team, so I cannot comment.

Number 20: New York Jets (ELO: 1411, +4)

After knocking off an abomination of an offense, the Jets have managed to get to the six-win mark. If they beat the Bills, the talking point of the off-season will be if Sam Darnold is ready to be elite in Year 3.

Number 19: Chicago Bears (ELO: 1452, -3)

In a similar vein to the Steelers, the Bears have no offense, so I cannot comment.

Number 18: Indianapolis Colts (ELO: 1457, +3)

The Colts have had a tragic year. Andrew Luck’s retirement and injuries to Jacoby Brissett cost Indianapolis a playoff berth.

Number 17: Atlanta Falcons (ELO: 1459, +1)

In classic Atlanta fashion, they have gotten hot at the wrong time. If the Falcons could string together a hot start and a hot finish, they would not be a meme.

Number 16: Denver Broncos (ELO: 1462, +3)

Drew Lock is 3-1 as a starter, and the Broncos would be in a playoff position if they did not collapse on a pair of final drives back in September. Football is cruel.

Number 15: Los Angeles Rams (ELO: 1542, -1)

The Rams are a bizarre team, to say the least. They have had flashes of brilliance, but the season went up in a pair of third-and-19 conversions by the 49ers. If the Rams win that game, they likely make the playoffs.

Number 14: Dallas Cowboys (ELO: 1543, -2)

The Cowboys are on their last legs. They need a magical game from the Giants to even have a sniff at the playoffs. It seems unlikely that Jason Garrett will be back to clap maniacally on the sideline next season.

Number 13: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (ELO: 1544, +0)

Despite losing their top two offensive players, the Buccaneers almost beat the superior Texans. Next season, Tampa Bay should get closer to a playoff berth.

Number 12: Philadelphia Eagles (ELO: 1555, +3)

The waters are clearing for the Eagles. They simply need to win, and their prize will be the loser of the 49ers-Seahawks clash.

Number 11: Tennessee Titans (ELO: 1606, -1)

After losing for the second consecutive week, the Titans have somehow found themselves in a much better position. They just have to win to clinch a spot in the playoffs.

Number 10: Minnesota Vikings (ELO: 1639, -3)

It was another dismal Monday night performance for the Vikings and Kirk Cousins. After holding an early lead, Kirk Cousins did his best Kyle Allen impression and turned into a pumpkin. As talented as the Vikings are, they are too reliant on Dalvin Cook, and they will be turned into mincemeat by the real teams (Saints and 49ers) if they manage to beat the pretenders of the NFC (Packers).

Number 9: Seattle Seahawks (ELO: 1640, -3)

The Seahawks blew their advantage in the NFC playoff hunt by losing to the Cardinals. The Seahawks would still win the NFC West with a win on Sunday, but they would need a lot of help to get a bye week.

Number 8: Buffalo Bills (ELO: 1641, +0)

The Bills are now locked into the No. 5 seed. They could make some noise in the playoffs, but they should be good for the next decade.

Number 7: Green Bay Packers (ELO: 1651, +4)

The Green Bay Frauds are delaying their inevitable execution at the hands of a vastly superior Saints or 49ers team.

Number 6: Houston Texans (ELO: 1652, +3)

Houston is, admittedly, significantly worse than the five teams ahead of them (yes, I realize they beat the Patriots as well as the Chiefs in Kansas City). They are the AFC version of the Packers with the ability to sometimes stop the run.

Number 5: New England Patriots (ELO: 1687, +0)

Welcome to the five realistic title threats. New England is not as dynamic offensively as they have been in recent years, but they have loads of defensive talent, and they have an eye for a Super Bowl run. The Patriots are far from dead.

Number 4: San Francisco 49ers (ELO: 1850, +0)

The 49ers have slipped defensively since their incredible start, but the offense continues to grow in its explosiveness. Jimmy Garoppolo, Emmanuel Sanders, George Kittle, and the running game are at maximum effectiveness, and it has been incredible to watch the unit grow. The defense is losing pieces left and right, but they had enough depth to sustain a handful of injuries and not lose too much in terms of talent.

Number 3: New Orleans Saints (ELO: 1898, -1)

The Saints are versatile offensively and defensively, and the chemistry between Drew Brees and Michael Thomas is unique in the scale of NFL history. Brees and Thomas are so hilariously dominant that Thomas could be put into a straitjacket and Brees would find a way to get the ball in his hands.

Number 2: Kansas City Chiefs (ELO: 1917, +1)

The hottest team in football, the Chiefs are rolling offensively and defensively. While they have played a stretch of poor offenses, the playmakers on the defense are remembering that they are in fact playmakers. Watch out.

Number 1: Baltimore Ravens (ELO: 1926, +0)

The Orioles have not played a game since September, but they still have lost more recently than the Ravens. Baltimore secured home-field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs for the first time in their history.

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