Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 8 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Nick Bosa might be the best player in the NFL. If your name is Matt, you probably make a halfway decent quarterback, and it is time to see if the Patriots (or Niners) will go undefeated.
Here is one major headline for all 30 teams after eight weeks of action. Atlanta and Cincinnati, you do not count.
Bye weeks: Baltimore Ravens, Dallas Cowboys
Ravens: Unlike the Browns, we might be able to take advantage of having a bye week before New England.
Cowboys: After our failed courtship of Jamal Adams, we must wait for the East Rutherford Green Peasants to trade him to us in the off-season. We play the East Rutherford Blue Peasants next week in our first primetime game in almost two weeks. We never get primetime games.
Vikings 19, Redskins 9
Vikings: Primetime Kirk Cousins is a fine quarterback.
Redskins: Not really, we just suck.
Seahawks 27, Falcons 20
Seahawks: Whew, thankfully we did not blow a 24-0 lead.
Falcons: Goodbye, Matt Bryant.
Eagles 31, Bills 13
Eagles: Thank you, Orlando Scandrick. You motivated us to win.
Bills: That was rough.
NFL Fans: The Bills feel like they are pretenders.
Chargers 17, Bears 16
Chargers: We are underperforming.
Bears: No, we are underperforming.
Chargers: We have kicker problems.
Bears: Don’t get us started on kicking problems.
Lions 31, Giants 26
Lions: We are back to .500! Watch out, NFL!
Giants: I mean, it could have been worse.
Titans 27, Buccaneers 23
Titans: Let’s get the win.
Jameis Winston: Here’s an apple turnover.
Titans: Thank you, Jameis. We will reward you with a turnover right out of the oven.
Buccaneers: Thank you for the touchdown!
Colts 15, Broncos 13
Colts: Andrew Luck who?
Joe Flacco: This team sucks. We are scared of losing, so we do not make the necessary plays to win games.
Broncos: Uh, Flacco, you are now injured.
Flacco: Wha-?
Brandon Allen: It is my time to shine.
Rams 24, Bengals 10
Rams: Top of the mornin’ to ya.
Bengals: We left our talent in 2015.
Rams: Ah, okay.
Saints 31, Cardinals 9
Saints: We are Super Bowl-bound!
Cardinals: Welcome to Glendale, Kenyan.
Jaguars 29, Jets 15
Jaguars: Gardner Minshew should be the offensive rookie of the year.
Jets: Well, at least we are not the Dolphins.
Jaxson de Ville: I am a ghost. Happy Halloween!
49ers 51, Panthers 13
Nick Bosa: Wassup?
Bosa: I am elite.
Bosa: That is all.
Panthers: Come back soon, Cam.
Patriots 27, Browns 13
Patriots: Nothing to worry about quite yet.
Nick Chubb: *fumbles*
Chubb: *fumbles*
Baker Mayfield: *throws an interception*
Patriots: Well, that was easy.
Browns fans: *shambles*
Texans 27, Raiders 24
Texans: Let’s get back on track.
Tyrell Williams: No.
Darren Waller: No.
Deshaun Watson with one eye: Yes.
Packers 31, Chiefs 24
Packers: That was a little too close for comfort.
Chiefs: Matt Moore is not the worst quarterback.
Aaron Rodgers: Bow down to me, peasants.
Aaron Jones: I am single-handedly carrying thousands of fantasy football teams.
Steelers 27, Dolphins 14
Dolphins: Wait, we are leading 14-0?
Steelers: Yeah, we routinely play down to our competition.
Dolphins: Well, you can’t ruin our tank.
Steelers: Oh?
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Here’s a tasty interception.
Minkah Fitzpatrick: Thank you.
Brian Flores: Here is an all-out blitz on third and several miles.
Mason Rudolph: Thank you.
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Here is an interception in the form of an arm punt.
Minkah Fitzpatrick: Thank you again.
