Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
The NFL is as goofy as ever. Quarterbacks are realizing they are old. Dak Prescott and Lamar Jackson look like somewhat competent quarterbacks. How?
Here is one major headline for all 31 teams after two weeks of action. Miami, you no longer count.
Buccaneers 20, Panthers 14
Buccaneers: It felt like a home game because of the wacky weather.
Panthers: This remark was ruled too short. The Panthers gained a first down anyway.
Cowboys 31, Redskins 21
Cowboys: Devin Smith trolled all of the Jets fans. I’m happy for him.
Redskins: The Redskins are not actually that bad. Losing happens when you play against the Eagles and Cowboys.
Owners of the Titans 19, Titans 17
Colts: Woo-hoo! We can change the Titans’ Wikipedia page to say “owned by the Indianapolis Colts.”
Titans: Hey, Siri, find the nearest bar.
The Titans’ drinks were spiked twice by Mike Vrabel.
Senior citizen: Adam Vinatieri is still old.
Seahawks 28, Steelers 26
Seahawks: At this rate, we will beat the Saints by three points.
Steelers: I guess Rudolph was good for Santa. Maybe he will be good for us.
Bills 28, Giants 14
Bills: We also call MetLife home.
Giants: DANIEL JONES WILL BE THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS.
Patriots 43, A “team” based in Miami 0
Patriots: Business is boomin’.
A shame to humanity: The Dolphins have been kicked due to incompetence.
Texans 13, Jaguars 12
Texans: Thank you, Doug Marrone.
Gardner Minshew: I am cooler than all of you.
Jaguars: Why did we run with Leonard Fournette?
Packers 21, Vikings 16
Packers: Mike McCarthy who?
Vikings: The Packers play defense now?
Lions 13, Chargers 10
Lions: Kenny Golladay is good at football.
Philip Rivers: I am clutch!
Darius Slay: Clutch this L.
San Diego: You can take the Chargers out of San Diego, but you cannot take the kicking problems out of the Chargers.
49ers 41, Bengals 17
49ers: Did you know that Jimmy Garoppolo is 10-2 as a starter?
Bengals: At least John Ross scored for my fantasy team.
Ravens 23, Cardinals 17
Ravens: Lamar Jackson is an elite running back.
Cardinals: The good joke that the writer was planning was stalled inside the five. Instead of trying to push the joke through, the Cardinals settled for a field goal.
Chiefs 28, Raiders 10
Chiefs: I am asleep.
Chiefs: 28 points in a quarter!
Chiefs: I am asleep.
Chiefs: I am asleep.
Raiders: Spider 2 Y did we allow 28 points in a quarter?
Rams and the Refs 27, Saints 9
Rams: Cooper Kupp is a monster.
Aaron Donald’s Hand: Goodbye, Drew.
Drew Brees: That is nice of you to shake my hand before the game is over.
Refs: That pass was incomplete.
Saints: At this point, we cannot tell the difference between Saints fans who cry because of the refs and Saints fans who cry because Drew Brees is out for six weeks.
Bears 16, Broncos 14
Bears: Alright, we can stop Joe Flacco.
Joe Flacco: Touchdown!
Bears: Okay, we can go to overtime.
Broncos: No.
Refs: Delay of game!
Broncos: Okay, overtime is fine.
Brandon McManus: No.
Buster Skrine: I am the Week 2 version of Chauncey Gardner-Johnson!
Emmanuel Sanders: We won!
Refs: Roughing the passer, defense, number 55.
The world: How is that roughing the passer?!
Commenter 1: It is time to mention that the Bears tried out everyone in the United States to find a kicker.
Commenter 2: Cody Parkey missed a field goal in the 2019 Wild Card round. It is now known as the “double doink.”
Cody Parkey: Shut up.
Bears fans: Shut up.
Eddy Pineiro: I actually made a kick.
Bears fans: WE ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Falcons 24, Eagles 20
Falcons: Julio Jones is the best wide receiver in the NFL.
Eagles: What is a wide receiver?
Browns 23, Jets 3
Browns: We get back-to-back prime time games!
Mono: I have more wins than the Jets.
