Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 14 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. The Ravens and 49ers have solidified themselves as the best team in each conference. Football is continuing to heat up.
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 14 weeks of action.
Bears 31, Cowboys 24
Cowboys: What a perfect start!
Allen Robinson: What was that?
Eddy Pineiro: I’m not sure.
Robinson: Well, we are up 10 now.
Anthony Miller: It’s actually 17 now.
Ezekiel Elliott: Not for long!
Mitch Trubisky: Yes for long!
Amari Cooper: Wait.
Brett Maher: Goodbye, Cowboys. My final deed was making this a one-score game so people that did not watch the game would think that the Cowboys are halfway decent at football.
Falcons 40, Panthers 20
Falcons: Remember when the Panthers had playoff aspirations?
The world: Yes.
Falcons: They disappeared alongside Kyle Allen’s ability to play football.
Panthers: Wait.
Olamide Zaccheaus: No waiting for your disposal.
Ravens 24, Bills 17
Ravens: We are going to the playoffs!
Bills: We are going to make it soon.
Pittsburgh: We will see.
Houston: You might not make the playoffs.
Tennessee: You hold the tiebreaker over us, but we might end up with a better record if you are not careful.
Bills: Oh.
Browns 27, Bengals 19
Did anyone actually watch this game? No? Okay, onto the next game.
Packers 20, Redskins 15
Aaron Jones: I am the real Aaron that carries this team.
Mainstream media: AARON RODGERS IS GOD!
Jones: Y’all are weird.
Vikings 20, Lions 7
Danielle Hunter: Good afternoon.
David Blough: Hello, sir.
Hunter: My name is Danielle.
Hunter: I sack quarterbacks for a living.
Hunter: Goodnight.
Blough: I can’t feel my body.
49ers 48, Saints 46
Jared Cook: It is time.
Kendrick Bourne: It is a battle for NFC supremacy.
Cook: Yes, it is. The Saints will win.
Josh Hill: CORRECT.
Emmanuel Sanders: Not quite.
Drew Brees: I am too good right now.
Raheem Mostert (by way of Emmanuel Sanders): It’s tight.
Mostert: Oops. We take the lead!
Wil Lutz: Not for long!
George Kittle: We are back in front!
Lutz: Welcome to death by a field goal.
Bourne: Welcome to a two-score deficit.
Michael Thomas: I am the best receiver in the NFL.
Robbie Gould: I can extend the lead.
Tre’Quan Smith: TOUCHDOWN SAINTS!
Kittle: You guys are going to lose in the most hilarious of fashions.
Gould: Welcome to death by a field goal.
Jets 22, Dolphins 21
Jason Sanders: Hello.
Robby Anderson: Hello, sir.
Sam Ficken: I can kick field goals, as well.
Sanders: I will kick more.
Demaryius Thomas: At least we can score touchdowns.
Sanders: Watch this.
Sanders: And…
Sanders: There! I scored nine straight points by myself.
Ficken: We are back in the lead.
Sanders: We lead! I have made seven field goals now.
Ficken: You now have seven more losses than wins.
Buccaneers 38, Colts 35
The world: This Jameis Winston guy is weird.
Buccaneers: We know.
Colts: We know.
Winston: I know. That will not stop me from leading the Buccaneers to a comeback victory.
Fantasy owners: Losing Mike Evans just cost me my fantasy league.
Broncos 38, Texans 24
I just want the world to know that the Texans were down by 35 points at home to a 4-8 team that was starting a rookie quarterback. I do not care that Deshaun Watson scored three touchdowns in the final seconds. This Texans team is hot trash, and they will be wallopped in the playoffs.
Chargers 45, Jaguars 10
Philip Rivers: Welcome to the NFL, Josh.
Josh Allen: Hello, Mr. Rivers.
Rivers: TOUCHDOWN!
Allen: Dude, that was right in my ear.
Titans 42, Raiders 21
Ryan Tannehill: I am having one of the best seasons of the 2010s.
Tannehill: I should get some MVP consideration.
Tannehill: I am matching a gunslinger mentality with ridiculous accuracy.
Raiders: Yes, but our defense is hot garbage.
Chiefs 23, Patriots 16
Nick Wright: The Patriots pulled all of the trick plays out, but they still lost.
Wright: They even blocked a punt!
Wright: You know, the Patriots are old.
Wright: Trubisky has played better than Brady.
Wright: The Pats can finally understand what referee-inflicted pain is.
The world: Shush.
Steelers 23, Cardinals 17
Diontae Johnson: Let’s go Steelers!
Pittsburgh’s offense: …
Johnson: Where did you guys go?
Pittsburgh’s offense: …
Johnson: Oh, I guess I am the only one that showed up.
Kyler Murray: What is that noise?
TJ Watt: That is Yinzer Nation being released because we have an elite defense for the first time in a decade.
Murray: Oh.
Rams 28, Seahawks 12
Rams: Hey guys, we are back.
Rams: Remember us? The 2018 NFC Champs?
Seahawks: Yes, we remember you.
Rams: If one kick had gone differently, we would be in the playoffs instead of you right now. It is a shame.
Eagles 23, Giants 17
Eagles: Welcome back, Eli.
Eli Manning: It’s good to be back.
Manning: Here’s a 14-point lead, Giants. We can’t blow this.
Zach Ertz: Oh?
Ertz: Yes, you can.
