Boys and girls, this is not a drill. The NFL season finally returned to television sets across the world. Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after one week of action.
Packers 10, Bears 3
Packers: The defense looks really good.
Bears: The offense looks really bad.
Fans from the 1920s: Football looks the same 100 years later.
Eagles 32, Redskins 27
Eagles: DeSean Jackson unlocks new potential for the Philly offense.
Redskins: Case Keenum might not be a terrible quarterback.
Bills 17, Jets 16
Bills: The defense is one of the best units in the NFL.
Bills #2: The Bills have a kicker who can make extra points.
Jets: The Jets are too reliant on star power.
The Jets would have gotten an extra point, but Kaare Vedvik missed it.
Vikings 28, Falcons 12
Vikings: In ten passes, Kirk Cousins played exceptionally well.
Falcons: The injury bug is already wreaking havoc on the offensive line.
Ravens 59, Dolphins 10
Ravens: At least for a week, Lamar Jackson belongs in the MVP conversation. If he does not win the MVP, at least he could be an All-Pro at running back because he is clearly a running back.
Dolphins: The Dolphins are so bad that people are contemplating an NFL draft lottery.
From this point forward, the Dolphins no longer qualify as an NFL team.
Chiefs 40, Jaguars 26
Chiefs: Sammy Watkins was the player of the week.
Jaguars: Myles Jack needs to take a Gardner Minshew-mustache-sized amount of chill pills this week.
Titans 43, Browns 13
Titans: The Titans have a gnarly defensive line.
Browns: The Browns posted their most penalties since the Truman administration.
Rams 30, Panthers 27
Rams: It was business as usual for Sean McVay and company.
Panthers: The Panthers need to find a way to clone Christian McCaffrey.
Seahawks 21, Bengals 20
Seahawks: Tyler Lockett had about 10 targets too few.
Bengals: The Bengals might not be atrocious this season.
Chargers 30, Colts 24
Chargers: Melvin Gordon is not the best running back on his own team.
Colts: The Colts got extremely unLUCKy with the Chargers getting the opening possession of overtime.
Senior Citizen: Adam Vinatieri is old as dirt.
49ers 31, Buccaneers 17
49ers: San Francisco would have won by 18 touchdowns if the referees had eyes (at least according to San Francisco fans).
Buccaneers: Two pick-sixes do not make a W, Jameis.
Cowboys 35, Giants 17
Cowboys: Dak Prescott might be worth 40 million dollars if he played the Giants every week.
Giants: Not even Saquon Barkley fantasy owners could watch this game.
Lions 27, Cardinals 27
Lions: Can we use tight end receiving yards as a tiebreaker?
Cardinals: Kyler Murray was sacked by his own offensive lineman.
NFL fans and Donovan McNabb: What is a tie?
Patriots 33, Steelers 3
Patriots: Antonio Brown will be added to a team who won Week 1 by 30.
Steelers: The writer who was going to provide analysis for the Steelers game fell asleep watching Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown highlights from years past after he shut the game off in the second quarter.
Saints 30, Texans 28
Saints: We are up six with under a minute to go.
Texans: WE SCORED. WE BEAT THE SAINTS. OMG.
Ka’imi Fairbairn: Wait, I need to shank this kick.
Chauncey Gardner-Johnson: So I can’t take out the legs of a kicker?
Fairbairn: TEXANS WIN. TEXANS WIN.
Wil Lutz: Hold this L.
Raiders 24, Broncos 16
Raiders: Antonio Brown who?
Broncos: I guess this is what happens when Peyton Manning does Papa John’s commercials instead of football plays.
