Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 7 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Backup quarterbacks continued to have success. The Patriots are the most dominant team since 1920. We also learned that primetime games suck.
Here is one major headline for all 30 teams after seven weeks of action. Miami and Cincinnati, you do not count.
Bye weeks: Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Carolina Panthers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Browns: At least we get a bye week to prepare for New England.
Steelers: The defense will get us some wins, watch out Baltimore.
Panthers: Kyle Allen will remain the starter. Take your time, Cam!
Buccaneers: Our flight was intercepted five times. At least we are back in the United States now.
Chiefs 30, Broncos 6
Chiefs: NOOOO
NFL Fans: NOOOOO
Fantasy Owners: NOOOO
Google: How long will Patrick Mahomes be out for?
Broncos: We are surprised Joe Flacco did not suffer the same fate. The offensive line resembled traffic cones.
Rams 37, Falcons 10
Rams: We are undefeated in the eastern time zone with Sean McVay at head coach.
Intelligent people: Well, you lost in the Super Bowl and that was in the eastern time zone.
Rams: Shut up, nerd.
Falcons: Is Matt Schaub better than Matt Ryan?
Bills 31, Dolphins 21
Bills: We are the most underrated 5-1 team in NFL history.
Dolphins: We cut the lead to three! Let’s get the win.
Micah Hyde: Actually, I am going to return the onside kick for a touchdown. I bet you have never seen that before.
Jaguars 27, Bengals 17
Jaguars: This Leonard Fournette guy might have been worth that first-round pick we spent on him in 2017.
Bengals: JOE BURROW IS THE FUTURE!
Vikings 42, Lions 30
Kirk Cousins: I am suddenly good at football again.
Cousins’ haters: I guess bullying makes you better at football.
Marvin Jones: Hey, wait. Remember that time that I scored four touchdowns in a game with the Bengals? I did that again!
Jones: We lost, though.
Packers 42, Raiders 24
Packers: Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the history of the NFL.
Perfect passer rating club: Welcome, Aaron!
Raiders: Hey, Darren. Here is a bunch of money.
Darren Waller: Thank you, Oakland.
Fantasy owners: Waller scored a touchdown! Hurrah!
Colts 30, Texans 23
T.Y. Hilton: I took it easy today.
Jacoby Brissett: I’m pretty good for a backup.
Deshaun Watson: I’m going to tie the game!
Darius Leonard: Try again.
Cardinals 27, Giants 21
Chase Edmonds: Touchdown!
Edmonds: Touchdown!
Edmonds: Make it three!
Giants: Oh well, at least Saquon is back.
Matthew Berry and David Johnson fantasy owners: You suck, Arizona.
49ers 9, Redskins 0
Weather: rain
Weather: rain
Field: I am a slip-n-slide.
Weather: rain
Weather: rain
49ers: rain, rain, rain
Redskins: We got nothing.
49ers: rain, rain, rain
Redskins: We got nothing.
49ers: rain, rain, rain
Weather: rain
Titans 23, Chargers 20
Titans: Ryan Tannehill is undefeated at home against the Chargers.
Chargers: We should have won.
Titans: Really?
Melvin Gordon: Not really.
Saints 36, Bears 25
Saints: We crushed the Bears at home!
Bears: Actually, we are going to score a couple of touchdowns to make the game seem closer than it was.
Bears: It happened! We had a successful onside kick!
Sane people: That onside kick was great, but it cost Eli Apple’s knee.
Ravens 30, Seahawks 16
Ravens: Lamar Jackson is a quarterback.
Seahawks: Kinda.
Ravens: Lamar Jackson is a running back.
Seahawks: Sure.
Ravens: Marcus Peters is a Raven.
Seahawks: Wait.
Ravens: TOUCHDOWN MARCUS PETERS!
Seahawks: Alright, we are going to start a comeback.
D.K. Metcalf: *literally just drops the ball*
Marlon Humphrey: TOUCHDOWN!
Cowboys 37, Eagles 10
Doug Pederson: I guarantee that we will beat the Cowboys.
Pederson: Hey, actually, I redact that statement.
Cowboys: We are a real football team.
Patriots 33, Jets 0
Stephon Gilmore: Hey, it’s me.
Devin McCourty: And me.
Sam Darnold: I’m scared.
Duron Harmon: I am here as well.
Terrence Brooks: Hello, Sam.
Darnold: I am seeing ghosts.
Kyle Van Noy: Welcome back to reality, Jets fans.
