Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 4 taught us some weird things. It emphasized the importance of a road advantage as only four home teams (Giants, Bears, Saints, and Steelers) were able to secure victories at home.
Here is one major headline for all 31 teams after three weeks of action. Miami, you still do not count.
Bye weeks: San Francisco & New York Jets
49ers: Hey there, #1 seed, my name is San Francisco.
Jets: Siri, can mono be cured immediately?
Eagles 34, Packers 27
Eagles: FEED JORDAN HOWARD!
Packers: Wait, I thought we had an elite defense.
Aaron Rodgers: Replace “defense” with “quarterback,” and the statement is true.
Nigel Bradham: Nice try, Aaron.
Packers fans everywhere: Can we run the ball inside the five?
Titans 24, Falcons 10
Titans: Did you know that Marcus Mariota has yet to turn the ball over?
Falcons: Welcome to the cellar of the NFC South.
Members of the 11,000 receiving yards club: Welcome, Julio. Congratulations.
Browns 40, Ravens 25
Browns: This is a pretty good game so far.
Tony Jefferson: What is tackling?
Baker Mayfield: You do not have to tackle to intercept a pass.
Nick Chubb: Hello, Baltimore.
Nick Chubb: Hey, it’s me again.
Ravens: The comeback is on!
Marlon Humphrey 1, Odell Beckham 0
Humphrey: You suck.
Beckham: *punches Humphrey*
Humphrey: *slams Beckham to turf*
Patriots 16, Bills 10
Patriots: Tom Brady has more wins in Buffalo since 2001 than any of Buffalo’s quarterbacks (16).
Bills: Josh Allen is a trainwreck against good teams.
Emmitt Smith, Walter Payton, and Barry Sanders: Welcome to the 15,000 rushing yards club, Frank.
Chiefs 34, Lions 30
Chiefs: Wanna see a magic trick?
Lions: Sure.
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes will not account for a touchdown today.
Lions: Thank you for the victory.
Chiefs: Look at the scoreboard.
Panthers 16, Texans 10
Panthers: Christian McCaffrey is the best running back in football.
Texans: Wait. How did we lose?
Raiders 31, Colts 24
Raiders: We currently are in the playoffs, wow.
Colts: I hope this moron of a writer continues to pick against us.
Chargers 30, A Torture Device 10
Chargers: This is our first win in Miami in approximately 100 years.
Miami’s worst football team: We had a lead!
Giants 24, Redskins 3
Giants: Daniel Jones is pretty good. He is not a perfect quarterback (yet), but he can lead us to the promise land!
Redskins: Can we delete the team already? This is a pitiful showing of “football.”
Seahawks 27, Cardinals 10
Seahawks: Can we play the Cardinals every week?
Cardinals: *opens Google* How can I make Kyler Murray taller?
Larry Fitzgerald: How did Jerry Rice catch that many passes?
Buccaneers 55, Rams 40
Buccaneers: Yep, you read those numbers correctly. We scored 55 in Los Angeles.
Rams: We allowed 55 points to the Buccaneers.
Ndamukong Suh: Hi, Los Angeles.
Rams fans: Get lost.
Suh: Here is a scoop and score for your troubles.
NFL Stat Geeks: Shaquil Barrett has nine sacks in four weeks.
Bears 16, Vikings 6
Bears: We lost Mitch?
Vikings: Yep.
Bears: We had to play Chase Daniel at quarterback?
Vikings: Yep.
Bears: So, we probably lost?
Vikings: Probably.
Bears: Take this victory.
Vikings: This is not my victory.
The writer re-reading this section: This is a terrible rendition of the Patrick Star Wallet meme.
Adam Thielen: Your bad jokes are better than the joke that plays quarterback for the Vikings.
Jaguars 26, Broncos 24
Jaguars: Alright, Gardner, lead us to victory.
Broncos: No, Joe Flacco is better.
Refs: ROUGHING THE PASSER!
Broncos: We’ve seen this movie before.
Jaguars: Winner!
Saints 12, Cowboys 10
Saints: We scored zero touchdowns and won?
Cowboys: We allowed zero touchdowns and lost?
Dak Prescott: I think Amari is open.
Saints defender 1: No, he is not.
Saints defender 2: Nope.
Amari Cooper: Eh, I can try, but I have four guys covering me.
Saints defender 3: He is not open.
Saints defender 4: Cooper is covered.
Steelers 27, Bengals 3
Before the game:
Steelers: Both of these teams are trash. The winner is still a bad football team.
Bengals: Both of these teams are trash. The winner is still a bad football team.
After the game:
Steelers: We are going back to the playoffs!
Bengals: Can we have Marvin Lewis again?
NFL Media: The Steelers are gonna win the AFC North!
Ravens and Browns fans: Wait, you guys beat the Bengals.
