Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 3 taught us the value of the quarterback.
Here is one major headline for all 31 teams after three weeks of action. Miami, you still do not count.
Jaguars 20, Titans 7
Jaguars: We finally beat the Titans.
Gardner Minshew: I am still cooler than all of you.
Titans: Is it Tannehill time?
Packers 27, Broncos 16
Packers: I guess having a defense is important to winning.
Broncos: Joe Flacco sucks!
Colts 27, Falcons 24
Colts: I hope this moron of a writer continues to pick against us.
Falcons: Julio Jones has scored four times already!
Football fans everywhere: We wish you a speedy recovery, Keanu.
Chiefs 33, Ravens 28
Chiefs: We are sleeping
Chiefs: We are the best team in football.
Chiefs: We are so good in the second quarter.
Chiefs: Andy Reid is a genius.
Ravens: At least we do not have to play this Patrick Mahomes guy again this season.
Bills 21, Bengals 17
Bills: Give us respect!
Bengals: Wait, we are gonna win.
TreDavious White: Yeah, I am gonna stop you right there.
Patriots 30, Jets 14
Patriots: We have allowed three points on defense in three games.
Jets: Our offense is flaming hot garbage. Come back, Sam.
Lions 27, Eagles 24
Lions: We are undefeated!
Eagles: We lost to the Lions?!
Vikings 34, Raiders 14
Vikings: Dalvin Cook is the best running back in the NFL.
Raiders: As a whole, the Raiders’ fans everywhere grew extra hands to count how many receptions Darren Waller had.
Cowboys 31, A “team” based in Miami 6
Cowboys: We are already two games up on the Eagles?
If this team was called inept, the word “inept” would be offended. The Dolphins might be the worst team to ever play football in any capacity.
Giants 32, Buccaneers 31
Giants: DANIEL JONES IS THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS!
Buccaneers: *opens Google* Why can’t our idiot kickers make field goals?
Panthers 38, Cardinals 20
Panthers: Kyle Allen looked really good out there. We are right back in the hunt for the division.
Cardinals: We suck again!
49ers 24, Steelers 20
49ers: Here is a free win, Pittsburgh,
Steelers: Oops, you seemed to have dropped something.
49ers: No, we insist.
Steelers: Looks like you dropped something again.
49ers: No, we want you to have this win. We feel bad that you lost Ben Roethlisberger for the season.
Steelers: Looks like you dropped something for the third time.
49ers: No, please take this win from us.
James Conner: I WANNA BE LIKE THE 49ERS!
Yinzer Nation: No, James, you have to hold onto the football.
Texans 27, Chargers 20
Texans: This Deshaun Watson guy is good at football.
The Texans Offensive Line: We are improving.
Chargers: Why are we garbage?
Saints 33, Seahawks 27
Saints: Teddy Bridgewater is not that bad at football. NFC South, here we come!
Russell Wilson: I had a pretty good day at the office.
Seahawks: The Seahawks did not show up.
Rams 20, Browns 13
Rams: Cooper Kupp is the actual engine of this football team.
Browns: Baker threw another interception? That is 19 in 17 games.
Clay Matthews: I had my best game in half a decade, and I got to do it in the city that my dad played in. What a day!
Bears 31, Redskins 15
Bears: We have the best defense in the NFL.
Redskins:
Ha Ha Clinton Pick Six: Touchdown!
Redskins:
Taylor Gabriel: Hi there.
Taylor Gabriel: My name is Taylor Gabriel.
Taylor Gabriel: Nice to score three touchdowns on you.
Redskins: We scored 15 points in a row! Terry McLaurin is great!
FedEx Field: WE WANT HASKINS!
