Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 15 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Quarterbacks reveal their true character in prime time. There were bad beats all around.
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 15 weeks of action.
Ravens 42, Jets 21
Michael Vick: Congratulations, Lamar. You broke a record that many thought would never be broken.
Lamar Jackson: I also threw for five touchdowns.
Media: Well, it was the Jets.
Patriots 34, Bengals 13
The New England Patriots have retracted my comments on the game. They said my comments would be into a documentary, and they said they got the NFL’s permission, but I do feel like this is a little weird for the Patriots to use my comments.
Seahawks 30, Panthers 24
Seahawks: We are the best team in the NFC once again. Bow down, peasants.
Panthers: Well, Kyle Allen is a dumpster fire. You should beat us.
Eagles 37, Redskins 27
Terry McLaurin: Touchdown Redskins!
Miles Sanders: Touchdown Eagles!
Steven Sims: Touchdown Redskins!
Miles Sanders: Touchdown Eagles!
Adrian Peterson: Touchdown Redskins!
Zach Ertz: Touchdown Eagles!
Dustin Hopkins: Six points is pretty much a touchdown.
Greg Ward: Eagles win!
Nigel Bradham: Eagles cover!
Bettors who took the under: Why do I do this for a living?
Texans 24, Titans 21
Ryan Tannehill: I think you can remove me from any MVP consideration.
Texans: The AFC South is ours!
Giants 36, Dolphins 20
Eli Manning: I will finish my career with a beautifully balanced 117-117 record.
Dolphins: The “Tank for Tua” campaign is alive and well!
Chiefs 23, Broncos 3
Weather: Here is a heaping helping of snow.
Chiefs: Yay! We love snow.
Patrick Mahomes: The snow is great!
Tyreek Hill: I am speed!
Drew Lock: The snow sapped my football talent.
Broncos: Goodbye, playoffs.
Packers 21, Bears 13
Packers: Ha, we swept the Bears.
Bears: Wait, we have one last trick up our sleeves.
Jesper Horsted: I forgot what I was supposed to do.
All of America: LATERAL THE BALL!
Bears: Goodbye, playoffs.
Buccaneers 38, Lions 17
Jameis Winston: Good Jameis showed up today.
Bad Jameis: Here’s an interception.
Buccaneers fans: Um, Jameis?
Good Jameis: Here are 450 yards for the second consecutive game! No other quarterback has ever done that!
Lions: He’s right. He pummeled us today.
Vikings 39, Chargers 10
Vikings: Man, we are hungry. That flight from Minneapolis had terrible airplane peanuts.
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Thank you, can we have seconds?
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Awesome, do you have any food for our coaching staff?
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Great, what about the training staff?
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Broadcast team is hungry.
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Do you serve anything else?
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Vikings: Oh, I think we broke the Chargers.
Chargers: Have a turnover.
Jaguars 20, Raiders 16
Raiders: Thank you for all the memories, Oakland. Our parting gift is a 16-3 lead.
Jaguars: Hey! We don’t suck anymore! Our parting gift is our first win in the pacific time since January of 2005.
Raider fans: DEREK CARR STINKS!
Cardinals 38, Browns 24
Kenyan Drake: Hey, Browns.
Browns: Hi, Kenyan.
Drake: Boom.
Drake: Boom.
Drake: Boom.
Drake: Boom.
Browns: Oh.
Falcons 29, 49ers 22
49ers: We are the best team in the NFC!
Austin Hooper: Well, that statement is false.
Referees: Incorrect! Try again.
Julio Jones: Well, that statement is false.
Referees: Touchdown!
Cowboys 44, Rams 21
Dak Prescott: We want to kick.
Dak Prescott: We want to kick in this direction.
Referee: Say that again?
Dak Prescott: Defer.
Referee: Dallas will kick to begin both halves.
Cowboy fans: He said defer, moron.
Video review officials: He said defer. Dallas should receive the second-half kickoff.
Rams: There was a game?
Bills 17, Steelers 10
Devlin Hodges: You guys know me as a champion duck caller.
Hodges: I am also a champion duck thrower!
Tre’Davious White: Thank you.
White: Thank you.
Jordan Poyer: Thank you.
Levi Wallace: Thank you.
NBC: Did you know that all three Edmunds are playing in the same game?!
Saints 34, Colts 7
Ryan Potts: I was tempted to write ‘Brees: Complete’ 29 times, but I decided against it.
Saints: Brees had a perfect night.
Passer rating enthusiasts: Well, actually.
Colts: Goodbye, playoffs.
