Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 13 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Onside kicks can work! The 2008 Lions and 2017 Browns are safe. We have a new No. 1 seed in both conferences.
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 13 weeks of action.
Bears 24, Lions 20
David Blough: Good morning world, I am a quarterback.
Mitch Trubisky: Hey, I do not suck anymore.
World: Yes, you do.
Bills 26, Cowboys 15
Bills: We have clinched a winning record!
Cowboys: Well, that was disappointing.
Jason Garrett’s seat: I am hot.
Saints 26, Falcons 18
Saints: We will exact our revenge.
Falcons: Yes you wi-
Younghoe Koo: Not so fast.
Koo: I am a YouTube and AAF legend.
Saints: You are also a loser today.
Bengals 22, Jets 6
Bengals: WE WON A GAME!
Jets fans: It is not Sam Darnold’s fault
Other Jets fans: It is Sam Darnold’s fault.
The rest of the NFL: *laughs*
Titans 31, Colts 17
Titans: Nice lead you have there.
Colts: Thank you, son.
Titans: It would be a shame.
Colts: A shame?
Titans: *scores 24 consecutive points*
Colts: Oh.
Dolphins 37, Eagles 31
Dolphins fans: DeVante Parker FINALLY is having a breakout season.
Eagles fans: Nick Foles, please come back. We are scared of missing the playoffs.
Carson Wentz: Oh.
Fantasy owners: Wait. Jason Sanders CAUGHT a touchdown?
Packers 31, Giants 13
Aaron Rodgers: Ah, this is real football.
Rodgers: You guys remember when I won MVP in 2011?
Giants: Yes, we beat you in the playoffs.
Rodgers: You guys remember when I won MVP in 2014?
Seahawks: Yes, we beat you in the playoffs.
Rodgers: Well, here are four touchdowns for your trouble.
Steelers 20, Browns 13
Steelers: As long as we score some points, our defense will carry us to victory.
Browns: What is winning?
Redskins 29, Panthers 21
Redskins: We have won back-to-back games, and the rest of the NFC East has lost back-to-back games.
Panthers: FIRE. EVERYONE. NOW.
Buccaneers 28, Jaguars 11
Devin White: I know Josh Allen gets a lot of publicity for being really good on a bad team.
White: I think I am better.
Nick Foles: You are not as good as Nick Foles.
Gardner Minshew: You are not in Philly anymore, Nick.
Foles: Oh, right. I suck again.
Ravens 20, 49ers 17
Ravens: *punch*
49ers: *punch*
Ravens: *punch*
49ers: *punch*
Ravens: *punch*
49ers: *punch*
Ravens: *punch*
49ers: *punch*
Ravens: *punch*
49ers: *punch*
Commentators: This is a true heavyweight bout.
49ers: *misses*
Justin Tucker: *delivers knockout blow*
Rams 34, Cardinals 7
Jared Goff: Hey guys, I am good at football, remember?
Robert Woods: I am fantastic as well!
Cardinals: You do know that we have the worst defense in the NFL, right?
Rams: Who cares? We steamrolled you. We are going to make the playoffs.
Real-life: Lol.
Broncos 23, Chargers 20
Courtland Sutton: Welcome to the NFL, Drew Lock. I am the best receiver on the team. Throw the ball to me if you want to score.
Lock: Okay.
Sutton: Great, now do that one more time.
Lock: Alright.
Sutton: Awesome. For your second lesson, today you will learn the art of the heart-breaking loss.
Lock: I do not like losing, though, Courtland.
Sutton: Do not worry, we are playing the Chargers. They lose in heart-breaking fashion weekly.
Lock: Really?
Chargers: Yes.
Chiefs 40, Raiders 9
Chiefs: Remember when we played the last time?
Raiders: Yes, you scored 28 points in the second quarter.
Chiefs: We have improved since then.
Raiders: You have?
Chiefs: Yes, we can score in every quarter now.
Raiders: That’s fantastic.
Chiefs: You can only score in one quarter though.
Raiders: Well, that sucks.
Chiefs: You know what else sucks?
Raiders: Your defense?
Chiefs: Surprisingly not. We scored a pick-six and a scoop-n-two.
Raiders: A scoop-n-two? What is that?
Charvarius Ward: I ran your blocked extra point into the end zone for two points.
Raiders: Oh, that is cool.
Texans 28, Patriots 22
Deshaun Watson: Hi.
Watson: My name is Deshaun.
Watson: I am good at football.
Watson: I can also catch passes from my wide receiver, unlike Tom Brady.
Every NFL pundit alive: THE DYNASTY IS OVER! PRAISE JESUS! THE DYNASTY IS OVER!
Real-life: The Patriots have plenty of winnable games; they will be just okay.
Seahawks 37, Vikings 30
Dalvin Cook: Boom.
Chris Carson: Boom.
Anthony Harris: PICK SIX!
Jason Myers: We are back to within four.
Kirk Cousins and Dan Bailey: The lead is back to seven.
Rashaad Penny: I might be worth that first-round pick.
Jason Myers: We lead!
Deep ball enthusiasts: RUSSELL WILSON HAS THE BEST DEEP BALL IN THE NFL! Also, Xavier Rhodes sucks.
Rashaad Penny: I think I was worth that pick, Seattle.
Laquon Treadwell: Seattle fell asleep.
Kirk Cousins: We are back to within four.
Jason Myers: Nope.
Kirk Cousins: I am now 0-8 in Monday Night Football games.
