Boys and girls, this is not a drill.
Week 12 taught us a variety of valuable lessons. Good teams can be blown out. Bad teams can win games. It is almost time for Thanksgiving football!
Here is one major headline for all 32 teams after 12 weeks of action.
Bye weeks: Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, Arizona Cardinals
Chiefs: We are well-rested, and we are prepared to win out and secure a potential bye if New England or Baltimore slip up.
Chargers: Our lord and savior Derwin James is coming back!
Vikings: We are still laughing from the comedy show that we saw on NBC on Sunday night. Thank you, San Francisco.
Cardinals: Next season, we will be a legitimately good team … probably.
Texans 20, Colts 17
Texans: We vanquished the Colts! Finally!
Colts: Well, that was tough to swallow.
T.Y. Hilton: I will get you guys next time.
Buccaneers 35, Falcons 22
Chris Godwin: Wassup? My name is Chris. I am a fantastic wide receiver.
Falcons: We get it.
Bills 20, Broncos 3
Bills: Josh is the superior Allen.
Joe Flacco and Drew Lock: We know.
Redskins 19, Lions 16
Redskins: We won a game?
Lions: We lost to the Redskins.
Dwayne Haskins: Wait, there was time left on the clock?
Colt McCoy: Yes.
Seahawks 17, Eagles 9
Seahawks: Russell Wilson had an off day, but that is okay.
Rashaad Penny: I might have been worth that first-round pick.
Eagles: I think we might have to swallow the truth concerning Dak Prescott being better than Carson Wentz.
Jets 34, Raiders 3
Jets: Sam Darnold is the second coming of Jesus, still.
Jets fans: WE CAN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!
Logic: Well…
Jets fans: WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!
Math: Well…
Raiders: We forgot to wake up for the game.
Saints 34, Panthers 31
Latavius Murray: Thank you for forgetting about Alvin Kamara.
Panthers: Christian McCaffrey is the best running back in the NFL.
NFL: Hey, New Orleans.
Saints: What’s up?
NFL: That pass interference challenge rule is not working so well.
Saints: That’s a shame.
NFL: It will work today though, you are welcome.
Sean Payton: *profanities*
Browns 41, Dolphins 24
Baker Mayfield: I woke up feeling dangerous.
Dolphins: I guess he is better on the field than he is in his commercials.
Steelers 16, Bengals 10
Steelers: We wish Mason Rudolph was suspended for the Myles Garrett incident.
Devlin Hodges: It is my time to shine.
Bengals: Ryan Finley is too good at almost winning for our liking. Andy, you are back in!
Joe Burrow: Do I have to go to this garbage franchise?
Bears 19, Giants 14
Bears: We are not eliminated quite yet.
Giants: What is wrong with Saquon?
Titans 42, Jaguars 20
Derrick Henry: I own the Jaguars.
Jaguars: Derrick Henry owns us.
Ryan Tannehill: I have more 20-yard runs than Ezekiel Elliott.
Patriots 13, Cowboys 9
The USA: Let’s watch this fantastic game.
More people: Wow! It is America’s Team versus the reigning Super Bowl champions!
Just about everyone: Let’s watch football!
Offense: *nonexistent*
Amari Cooper: *nonexistent*
Special teams: *nonexistent*
Stephon Gilmore: Hey world, I am putting together the best season by a cornerback in the 2010s.
49ers 37, Packers 8
Packers: Why is the Jaws theme song playing?
Packers: Why is it playing louder?
Packers: I’m scared.
The Packers were then eaten by the 49ers.
Ravens 45, Rams 6
Rams (while watching Sunday Night Football): Wow, that San Francisco team is really good. Thankfully we do not have to play them tomorrow night.
Rams (on Monday Night Football): WE WISH THE RAVENS WERE ACTUALLY THE 49ERS!
Lamar Jackson: I will throw for not one, not two, not three, not four, but five touchdowns!
Mark Ingram and Marquise Brown: We scored two touchdowns each!
The Rams are currently hiding in the corner. Aaron Donald is nowhere to be found.
