Every year we obsess over mock drafts wondering who our favorite team is going to pick. We spend months watching college athletes, the best up-and-coming football players in the world. When draft night comes up, we spend hours stressing about which player our team will pick. Then, particularly when you get to day three, all bets are off. We begin to look for one thing: the best name picked.
We all know that these people don’t pick their names, but they deserve recognition for spending the following years of their lives making commentators’ lives hell. Every year we take great joy trying to pronounce their names as much as we figure out if they can be productive NFL players. Some are so crazy they have to put the phonetics on their social media bios.
As a Bronco fan, I took great joy in last year’s draft. On day two, they drafted cornerback Michael Ojemudia. A name that isn’t as hard as it first looks but still managed to get a few different iterations throughout the year. The next day, we got the true belle of the ball in tight end Albert Okwuegbunam. I like to call him the alphabet. Most everyone just calls him Albert O as a way of avoiding attempting to say his last name. The first question he got during his post-draft press conference was just minutes after being picked: how to pronounce his last name. Oak-woo-aye-boo-nom. If you don’t remember it here and need to, feel free to check his Twitter bio. It’s readily available there.
With that, go ahead and throw away your big boards or whatever big boards you use. You won’t need them here. Let’s go for a first round of the best names in the draft (based on the needs of the team picking). The rules: these names are based on the difficulty of pronunciation and/or how fun they are to say. Besides a few exceptions, this will be based on last names.
This mock was done using the board given at The Pro Football Network with no trades.
Pick 1 – Jacksonville Jaguars – Shane Buechele – QB – SMU
Not going to lie, the name department for this year’s quarterback class is not great. That said, Buechele is an excellent name. There are just several places that you could mess it up in annoying ways.
Pick 2 – New York Jets – Sam Ehlinger – QB – Texas
Yeah, there’s just not much to work with. While this year’s quarterback class looks one of the best in recent years as far as talent goes, names look like the early reports on QB’s for the next year or two. Ehlinger is pretty good. The silent “h” is solid. Willing to bet this can be messed up pretty easily. You can just hear the infinite number of Eelinger’s that would be said on broadcasts. That alone makes him worth a high draft pick in the name draft. Therefore, it is worthy of first-round consideration, and they have a gaping hole at quarterback after trading Sam Darnold to Carolina, so they’re going to have to try something. Per the name draft board, this is the best player available.
Pick 3 – San Francisco 49ers (Via New York Jets via Houston) – Dicaprio Bootle – CB
I understand that the 49ers traded up (most likely) to draft a quarterback, but the unfortunate trade of Darnold has put them in a genuinely terrible position. There isn’t another quarterback on the board with a name worthy of a top 10 pick. So, in light of the unfortunately terrible draft board, the Niners change course and take a cornerback to replace Richard Sherman.
Bootle is just incredible. Catchy, fun, memorable. I promise you, Bootle will quickly get booty jokes. You can even work with boot. We haven’t even gotten to the Dicaprio reference. All-around great name. It could be risky with Ifeatu Melifonwu on the board, but Bootle is versatile, and the Niners want that type of versatility in their defensive backfield.
Pick 4 – Atlanta Falcons – Dayo Odeyingbo – EDGE – Vanderbilt
What a phenomenal name from start to finish. Bonus points are added for a great first name too.
Without much to say as the name speaks for itself, I want to take a second to recognize the elitist of elite names that not enough people know about. Julio Jones actually being named Quintorris. Outstanding. Anyway, back to the draft.
Pick 5 – Cincinnati Bengals – Kayode Awosika – OT – Buffalo
Joe Burrow needs protection next year. Pretty simple task, with the entire tackle board at your disposal. The tackle world is their oyster. With that, they have their guy. Kayode Awosika is an incredible name (he may also be a decent late-round pick in real life). I know for a fact that I love saying this name. The fact that you can change the inflection in your voice at the “i” with a long “e.” It’s kind of addicting. Can’t even forget the bonus points for a fun first name with excellent spelling.
Pick 6 – Miami Dolphins – Josh Imatorbhebhe – WR – Illinois
The Miami Dolphins were an interesting team to watch last year. They came on so strong behind an excellent defense and more Fitzmagic. A head-scratching quarterback change to Tua Tagovailoa sent the offense off the rails a bit as Fitzpatrick came in multiple times to finish games. It’s clear Tua wasn’t ready, some question if he ever will. Whatever happens at the quarterback spot, that guy will need weapons, so they choose a wide receiver. As far as I’m concerned, Imatorbhebhe is far and away the best name in this year’s wide receiver draft class. It’s just the kind of name that’s going to get stuck in your head, but you’re going to love saying it.
Pick 7 – Detroit Lions – D’Wayne Eskridge – WR – Western Michigan
I’m a big sucker for apostrophes in names. I love to see it. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to bring so much power. Eskridge is nothing to snuff at either. An all-around great name here. The Lions are upgrading their receiving corps names with an excellent one.
Pick 8 – Carolina Panthers –Ky’El Hemby– S – Southern Miss
Carolina should be forced to pick North Carolina or Charlotte. Carolina just seems weird. Anyway, while they should figure out that name, they get another good name here. Like the Lions, they went for the apostrophe name, and in this case, it makes a boring name EXPONENTIALLY better. Kyle to Ky’El is a phenomenal change. It makes the name special. Hembry also is a good one. I promise you someone is going to say Hemp-ry at some point too. Great name with an all-time modification.
Pick 9 – Denver Broncos – Rachad Wildgoose – CB – Wisconsin
Denver doesn’t need a cornerback super early this year. They have two expiring contracts going into the next offseason, though. So, they go for it because they have their guy on the board. Now, the next pick might be the overall better name at this position but come on, this name is just remarkable and couldn’t possibly be for a better position. If you’re not catching on, let me spell it out: “Intercepted! It’s Wildgoose! There he goes, it’s a Wildgoose chase down the sideline! Touchdown!” That’s too easy and makes this an all-time name right here.
Pick 10 – Dallas Cowboys – Ifeatu Melifonwu – CB – Syracuse
There is no doubt these two corners have among the best names in the draft. Either one is a phenomenal pick. Luckily for Dallas, Melifonwu was at the top of their name board. They couldn’t retain Chidobe Awuzie, so they need to upgrade. Dallas needs to get a guy back in with a good name. They swung for the fences and got an upgrade with an outstanding first and last name.
Pick 11 – New York Giants – Victor Dimukeje – EDGE – Duke
He is, in fact, the Victor of a glorious name. A phenomenal name that tackles across the league will get a lot of time to read as he blows past them on his way to the quarterback.
Pick 12 – Philadelphia Eagles – Ihmir Smith-Marsette – WR – Iowa
Philly is a mess right now. After benching, then trading Carson Wentz for Jalen Hurts, who eventually got benched in week 17 for Nate Sudfeld. Who knows who’s going to start there or who will even be on the roster. It could be Hurts, Sudfeld after getting a sudden week 17 appearance. Heck, it could still be “in his prime” Joe Flacco.
Regardless, Jalen Reagor had a rough first year, and they have no other receivers that can stay healthy. Well, try and try again. They have to make a few tough decisions on this one. Ja’Marr Chase is an option as the apostrophe makes an enticing case. However, enter the hyphen—the other personal weakness. Smith is pretty boring, but Marsette is a redeeming factor. The ultimate deciding factor here goes to the first name. Ihmir is fun. The spelling is cool. The first name and a hyphenated last name do just barely edge out the apostrophe in Ja’marr.
Pick 13 – Los Angeles Chargers – Alex Leatherwood – OT – Alabama
As a Bronco fan, I grew up cheering against the San Diego Chargers twice every year. It’s been three years, and Los Angeles is still hard to say. It’s just weird. I digress, the Chargers could use some more protection for Justin Herbert, and they go with an excellent irony name, yet fitting for an offensive lineman. Skin is often described in narratives as leathery, and this man can lay the wood on the field. It’s eloquently done. Great pickup for the Chargers.
Pick 14 – Minnesota Vikings – Marlon Tuipulotu – DT – USC
For a while, I’ve thought that vowels are overrated. For the most part, vowels are meant to make words, words but consonants bring the words to life. Tuipulotu brings an end to that idea. He could teach a master’s class on vowel usage, and I absolutely love it. What a fun name to say.
Pick 15 – New England Patriots – Whop Philyor – WR – Indiana
The Patriots have been devoid of weapons for years. It doesn’t matter who their quarterback is; they’re not going to be in a position to succeed. Going after a wide receiver who has onomatopoeia (and legendary Chris Berman reference) as their first name is about as close to a first-round steal as you’re ever going to get.
Pick 16 – Arizona Cardinals – Syrus Tuitele – OT – Fresno State
Much like Tuipulotu, exquisite vowel usage. Fun to say and numerous ways to potentially pronounce his name. The “ele” alone creates problems for broadcasters. Kyler Murray gets protection in the pocket, and the Cardinals get an excellent name.
Pick 17 – Las Vegas Raiders – Talanoa Hufanga – S – USC
The Raiders need help in their secondary. They struggled to get consistent production and keep guys healthy. There’s potential for Hufanga to become a very good safety, but he’s off to a great start with an elite name.
Pick 18 – Miami Dolphins – Pooka Williams – RB – Kansas
With a potentially great defense around, the build around Tua is short for an absolutely insane and outstanding name. Shame the short version is prominent and gets the aforementioned Albert O treatment. Anyway, disregard the last name. There are some really good names at running back this year, but come on now. POOKA!!!! Outstanding first name. It completely makes up for a boring last name. It’s good enough that it gets a running back into the teens in the first round.
Pick 19 – Washington Football Team – Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah – LB – Notre Dame
The team with no name can get a phenomenal name and address a need on the defensive side of the ball. Once again, the beautiful hyphen to brings together what would be elite names separately makes this phenomenal. Jeremiah is an underrated first name. Owusu is fun and the nice usage of “u” is well done. Koramoah is also great. Hyphen and two solid name inclusions on either end of the hyphen make this name elite. Now all they need is an actual team name, preferably one as elite as their first-round pick.
Pick 20 – Chicago Bears – Pat Freiermuth – TE – Penn State
The Bears could use an upgrade at the tight end position with Jimmy Graham getting older. Also, an upgrade in the name. Cole Kmet is a pretty cool name, but Freiermuth adds extra fun to the room. A necessary addition.
Pick 21 – Indianapolis Colts – Stone Forsythe – OT – Florida
The Colts acquired Carson Wentz this offseason. Through some fault of his own and lousy offensive lines, he’s been on his back and injured way too often. They’ve got a really good interior and could use some help on the outside. They’d love for a guy that can be a Stone-wall to protect their quarterback. Right there, it just works. That’s fun and easy to use. It would lead to an elite headline on the draft pick. Forsythe is nothing to snuff at, and it’s good alone. Maybe not first-round pick worthy, but Stone catapults the name into the first. Fun to say, easy to create lines from.
Pick 22 – Tennessee Titans – Deommodore Lenoir – CB – Oregon
Lenwaa? Lenwar? The list goes on. There’s a lot of versatility to how this name can be pronounced and make a commentator’s lives difficult—big fan of that. Then the length of the first name gets bonus points, not to mention it’s fun to say. With its length, it’s bound to be messed up at some point. An excellent pick for Tennessee as they bolster their secondary.
Pick 23 – New York Jets – Kene Nwangwu – RB – Iowa State
Losing Le’Veon Bell creates a hole in their backfield, which will be necessary as Sam Ehlinger takes the reins at quarterback. It’s not a great headline name, but it’s fun and will create some amounts of hesitation as it’s pronounced. It’s just not entirely natural to say, which creates uncertainty and difficulty, which is a win. Kene will get messed up at some point. Overall this creates confusion and hesitation when trying to pronounce it. Well done. The Jets do good work with both of their picks in the first round this year.
Pick 24 – Pittsburgh Steelers – Quinn Meinerz – C – Wisconsin-Whitewater
Losing Maurkice Pouncey is a significant loss. The Steelers need to address this, and they Mein for gold here as they get their new center. Again, look how easy that is. Good name overall. The center class doesn’t have a great name portfolio. Meinerz is solid and works into lines quite easily. He’s clearly the best center name in the class.
Pick 25 – Jacksonville Jaguars – Hunter Kampmoyer – TE – Oregon
They got the clear number one quarterback in this draft. It’s time to get him some more weapons. I’ve always been partial to the name Hunter. Not entirely sure why, but it’s fun, and you can make good lines out of it so that works. It seems that Kampmoyer could be sneakily complex for commentators. It seems pretty easy to skip over that second “m,” which will get annoying with more mess-ups over time. Plus, starting a name that could be done with a “c” with a “k” is a nice curveball. Good job by the Jags in this first round.
Pick 26 – Cleveland Browns – Isaiahh Loudermilk – EDGE – Wisconsin
Dang, great pickup here. Cleveland supplements their edge-rushing group and does with a big upgrade to their name rating. A compound word that has no reason to be compounded, yet it works so so well. Beautiful. Two “h’s” in his first name? Inspired. A silent letter that seems so simple raises the value of the name Isaiah to insane levels.
Pick 27 – Baltimore Ravens – Amon-Ra St. Brown – WR – USC
Baltimore should be giddy about this pick. Two word last name is awesome. Putting punctuation marks on the back of jerseys is fun. We haven’t even gotten to the hyphen in the first name. It’s beautiful. It’s unique and works great. Someone speaking fast will mess that up at some point. Greatness. Lamar Jackson gets another weapon to put opposite “Hollywood” Marquise Brown. I know it’s a nickname, but it’s excellent and creates a great environment for names in the wide receiver room.
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Pick 28 – New Orleans Saints – Zech McPhearson – CB – Texas Tech
This is absolutely a personal pride pick. Shemar Jean-Charles could be the pick, but Zech is more likely to get messed up. People are absolutely going to say Zach instead of Zech. McPherson isn’t necessarily something to write home about, but Zech certainly is. The Saints get their added depth in the secondary with a solid and confusing first name.
Pick 29 – Green Bay Packers – Amen Ogbongbemiga – ILB – Oklahoma State
Green Bay needs help on the second level. Their prayers are answered with an Amen. Look how easy that is. It’s pretty wild that he’s fallen this far with as elite of a name like this. It speaks for itself, to be honest.
Pick 30 – Buffalo Bills – Osa Odighizuwa – DT – UCLA
This was the first pick that required copy and paste to get it down. Length is great, and just complicated enough jerseys are going to be complicated. Big fan. The fact that it’s offset by a three-letter first name just catapults it into an elite category. Buffalo beefs up their defensive line and gets an all-around awesome name.
Pick 31 – Baltimore Ravens – Penei Sewell – OT – Oregon
Trading away Orlando Brown, which fits with Hollywood so well, by the way, opens up a bit of a hole at the tackle spot, so why not go out and get an excellent named tackle (who also happens to be the best tackle in the class). Name wise it’s not in the “elite” category, but it’s not a great name class at the tackle spot. That said, I love the name. It’s deserved to have a great name to fit with an elite talent in the class. Baltimore has two picks in the late 20s and makes it work, getting solid value overall.
Pick 32 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Shemar Jean-Charles – CB – Appalachian State
The Bucs don’t need much. Some secondary depth is where they choose to go with their first-round pick. Shemar should lead to mistakes with wanting to add an “r” and make it Shermar, which is incorrect. Jean and Charles aren’t great names, but the hyphen, in all its glory, creates a lot out of not a lot. It’s a fun and worthy addition to a very good football team.
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